How to be a Velociraptor. What to do while waiting to be a peer instead of beeting up peers and self.

 I am seeing my friends who are peers and on the path to peerhood in the Society for creative Anachronism (referred to as sca here on out.) Both struggling and being attacked verbally. And as a apprentices and a Protégé, who has a large personality and is not afraid to express it. I have some words for people.

Be kind & give grace!

Peers are people too they are people who are just like you. Peers are recognized for being peers they aren't made peers. 

This means that some times there are people who were missed or skipped over by the out side viewer. But one person being recognized doesn't take away from a different person's value.

But if we stop and remember we all have a little kid inside us that stomps their foot and says "look at me!, seem me!, where is mine!"

I am no different. As I watch my friends be elevated I am proud of them. They deserve the recognition. That doesn't mean there isn't a little child inside saying,why am I not good enough.

That is when the adult part of me steps up and reminds me that Meh it is ok I have stuff to keep me busy and it might never come and that is ok because I, you, us, can do everything a person who has a peer title does except go to peer meeting and vote in peer meetings. 

We can teach, inspire, lead, serve, lift up others, and so on. 

Yup you heard me correctly. We are every thing a peer is. So we need to stop beating down our friends in the peer ranks. We can also stop holding them up so high that we expect them to be perfect. 

Want to know what peer like behavior is? 

Really you already know what it is. 

It is taking a breath when your upset and thinking how you would LIKE TO BE TREATED, when you are not perfect. 

It is saying thank you for waiting on me when we are late and then working to not be late. It is hearing someone's frustrations and responding with compassion it is recommending folks for recognition and awards.  It is giving up your office so others can step up and have a turn serving. 

It is realizing you have over committed so working to not do that next time so you can do a better job. 

Yes being a Laurel is about research along with possibly art and science and Pelican is about service but anyone can do these things what make a peer is the other stuff the peer like qualities. 

They are people who are still human with families, jobs, school, health issues and emotions. 

if it feels like some people who have these titles are not always shining examples of grace and kindness. Well duh who is? A Saint maybe? 

But if you start kicking a person they will run out of grace and kindness real quick. Do you genuinely blaim them.

When you are frustrated please stop before attacking and ask yourself how can I express in words what I am feeling so not to do harm. 

I am not perfect all this post is a reminder to me. We all need to remind ourselves of how to be better. 

I picked a insanely large subject to love and research. I highly doubt I can learn enough on the subject of my persona and games played in an taveran or ale house durring the Tudor times in the port of Swansea. And it is not the fault of the group of humans that hold the title of peer, (some of which I know and some I don't), that they don't know how to learn what I know on my subject of board games played in this period and especially the ones played on the Mary Rose. It is not anyone's problem or fault that I am dyslexic and so communicating is difficult in the writen word. And zoom is a nightmare for extroverts. See remembering this helps with perspective.

Why would I beet up the body of people who vote on who is a peer. 

That feels like unproductive use of my time. 

So instead of worrying about that.

I can teach, and run things, and do things and remember I can do everything a peer can. Then I can do it. 

I am not a Laurel I am not a Pelican. 

I AM A Velociraptor! 

Small and mighty! The size a large wild turkey, with rainbow feathers. That runs in packs. 

How you can be one too.

 Teach!

 ART OUT LOUD! 

LIFT OTHERS UP! 

WHEN YOU MESS UP APOLOGIZE! 

GIVE OTHERS GRACE!

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE!

 WRITE PEOPLE IN FOR AWARDS! 

TELL PEOPLE WHEN THEY INSPIRE YOU OR DO SOMETHING OR MAKE SOMETHING AND COOL!

I understand the world has lots of big things going on. But everyone has an inside battle. 

EVERYONE! 

Join me and be a Velociraptor too. Peers are wellcome as well because they need a break from all those meetings. 

Science versus my belief

 Science of things like barometers and the stars.as well as some Palmistry.

Can the cosmos effect you.

First let's talk about what the barometer measurs and what retrograde is and what it proves.

You have seen the bio sphear of air around the earth. It is fairly magical. With out it there is no life. It experts gravity endured pressure as is is pulled in. And some days when there is a weather change is is pulled more. Thing about the draft or sleep steam created behind a semitruck and how the air rushes in to fill the space vacated by the truck as it moves and.leaves an empty space. That air rushing is and pressure. It is not a lot of pressure however it it is detactable. By instruments and animals it effects are seen by water and tdes. A tide will be higher or lower because of it. Not only this but the moons gravitation pull also effects the barometric pressure as well. A high tide at full moon with a low barometric pressure will be extra high. This is Science. That means that it is measurable and there for provable. 

This is what makes all these things facts and there for science.  Before we understood how to prove that the sun was the center of the our solar system there were arguments about it. The final proof is a plants Retrograde observation. Planets move in retrograde in relation to another planet. 

It is the way we see the other planets move though the night sky from earth. 

Think of a tilt a whirl going around the center point while we all spin in our spots. We'll now image if each car moved at different speeds. We would pass them or they might pass us then they would seem to be moving a different direction. Look up videos explaining it. People with skills have created graphics illustrating it. Mercury and Saturn and so on you can see.

All that is 6 grade science. 

I personally feel the barometric pressure changes. My statement of I hurt is that gravity is high this is not that gravity has changed this is that gravityies pull on things is effecting me more at the moment. And high and low changes effect me. Change is the thing I can adept to the change but will then be affected when it changes again there is no good or bad only change. 

Just because the moons proximity to the earth make changes it causes more measurable doesn't mean other changes less measurable don't effect things. Think butterfly effect idea. 

Forces moving though our lives are just that. However we have tools and how we use our tools is as much a part of our make up. That being said .

The chart of the sky as observable from where I was born is my tools. And understanding how each aspect of this sets me up gives me a frame work to work with what I have. I am not bound by this I am liberated by this. Thanks Danni for the chart illustration.

Palmistry, is even more complex. No one line defines anything it is a book and all the latter's and words together tell the story. And the story even has chapters and in my case a 2 book series. Thus becomes even more mumbo-jumbo to some people. If people can belive in Jesus then why can't people belive in these things. Further I want to point out to any Christians who might read this the church recognizes which craft, and voodoo and so on. Think about that. Whether you think it is plosebo effect or dilutions it effects people.

My palm shows my divorce it shows my children it shows my rocky marriage. It shows a second happy marriage.it shows my ability to understand all this called psychic ability, and so much more. From a young age I have always fried to make plans but I know the inevitable is my path. You would think that this take free will out of the picture but it doesn't. Along the way I can take a different path. But I always have known it is more a reward if I choose the path given. I have choose the paths. Like swimming sideways in a rip tide. I don't chase money I chase happiness. I chase joy. I need so little in the world. The material things are borrowed from the world. They aren't really ours. Only love and experience is owned. Comfortable is nice and I will work for those because I want them not because I need them. Everything to me just represents feelings. And I don't want to feel bad all the time. I got lost trying to fix and take care of others.  My chart is what it is and my palm reminds me. I had not looked for a long time at it. Because I have not had a person I wanted to do the work to change for. Like the barometric pressure on me change is hard. As such till I had a reason why add the suffering. My entire life when I planned a school I had it removed as an option whether by car accident or abusive house hold. Durring marriage every job I had became temporary.  because of moving and because of a unstable home life. I am fluid. I am liquid and solid in this life. I suppose I am like the glass I melt and shape. Maybe it is why I love glass work. I also love Dandelions these are filled with vitamin A,B,C,D, & E. Their root is designed to break up compressed soil. As they do this you will see less and less of them in an area as they do their job then are no longer needed. I love plants called weeds and wild flowers. Yhings that grow and are beautiful  dispite your wish of where things should grow. Feral plants also make me smile. And all of it is not science at the same time that it is. But it is me. My faith might be silly to you but take me as I am I am done trying to be what I am not. Don't get me wrong I still try and please people. I can't help it. I hate letting people down my word is my honor. I hold my honor tight. I don't give my word around all willy-nilly. But all the same I am not caring about others talking above me or making me feel small. If I walk away from someone durring a conversation, think about the conversation I walked away from. Silly magical me is going to be happy.  Life is to short to waste on small hearts and small feelings. Blessed be Ya'll. 

Fall wordrobe deletion

Watching the Mimimual mom on you tube again. She always inspires me to feel a thing and let it go when it comes to items. It is ok to not be in a season of life that you use to be. Also sometimes an item has out lived its usefulness. Here is what I am doing in my wardrobe. 

These pants are size 14 and 12 I am wearing a size 6 so these need to go

I haven't worn these things for many reasons one of which is I don't like how they fit. So gone they are...

There things are now clothes for painting. Because they have stains. 

Sad I am about the purple pants but all of these have holes or some other thing is wrong so to the trash.. but wait I love the purple soooooo

I made hair ties out of the pants and head bands

I make sure they are where I will look for them, as well as where I will use them head bands go here on the hanger Amber made in the Bathroom

Hair ties go in the apothecary jar for Bobby pins and hair ties on the bath room counter. I tried a minimum bathroom counter. I made me sad. I like having my things in pretty display containers... you should see my spice rack or my OTC Meds lol.

                        See they work great!
 

Here you can see i have decided to hang my every day shirts up to make my walls look less bear and also because I like my silly shirts. I store my go bag and my weekend bags near my night stand I have tried to get in the habit of making my bed. But meh it just hasn't been a priority. I am ok with this 

I use book shelves instead of dressers. I am a visual organizer. I have bras socks and undies in baskets. The shelves are separated by function of the clothes. Pants, work out clothes, sleep clothes, sca shirts, sweaters and warm pants.

 

 

Here is the wall I see from my bed I put my favorit T shirts here

Here is another stack of clothes to go.large shorts and pants, socks Idont really like, bras and more shirts. 

Words running around in my head a post about dreams past and present

 James and I unfriended each other and I changed my FB settings to friends only so he will stop morbidly reading my posts. 

I can't take him trying to blame me for one second then the second saying we could cancel the divorce. 1st off no. 2dn off. I am too cheap to do that I paid for it already. lol. Yeah yeah, I know what a strange thing to be frugal about. it is why I get a gym membership I am too cheap not to use it if I have it. 

I have been putting off writing up the game write-up for, Daldos.

Perfectionism is paralyzing. It is. I have it with all art protects too it takes a combination of procrastination and trickery for me to do a good enough job on a thing. Master Giuome is one of my heroes because he is so good at reminding me that I make household goods when I make games, not art pieces. there are art pieces I make too. Master Phillipe reminds me I teach games not make games as my art. the problem is words are not my skill. I hate writing up things. I mean makes me cry kind of hate. it has always been this bad now that I think back on it. I use to dictate to my mother what I wanted to be written. I know the teachers knew it too. but they always quizzed me on the information and since they could tell I knew my stuff they just let it slide. 

I am never going to get over this... I am 50 years old. I just have to move on. And if that means never being a peer I will have to live with it. I don't think I should cause myself that kind f trauma for some recognition. I will just keep encouraging others and move on. #artoutloudSCA. 

I can be happy cheering for my friends it is a thing I like to do, and it brings me so much joy to know I have made a difference in other people's lives. 

so I will be my awkward goofy ungraceful jock self Listening to the sun sing and the water shine and dancing despite it all and singing even if I butcher the melody.

my tendency is to be Obliger/rebel  From Gretchen Rubin's book The Four Tendencies, means that I am a co-conspirator kind of person. I do things to please others. it is my happy place. I like having a cleaning day or cleaning partner really. which is why Amy helping me sort through the stuff helps

I found out that I thought that I was a good wife and mother and my children seem to approve of this on the mother's part however seems I was never a good wife. James was never happy that I would just pick up and take the kids on trips even when He couldn't go. James likes to use his off days to just decompress or as a mental health day. I never faulted him that. I however was busy making memories with the kids.

I had jobs when we got married I worked in Fl (a Fabric store) and in PA (General Manager of DQ). When James' father died he used it as an excuse not to reenlist because he didn't want to back on a ship because he disliked going to sea.  I worked at first in IL But I found I had to stop working after 9/11 to stay home with the kids (and that was 20 months of depression I will tell you.) after that I was a school bus driver then for 5 years so I didn't have to put the kids in child care over the summer. I never wanted my children to be raised by paid staff. Then James lost his job and I talked him into going back to school, The economy crashed and I got the gift in a way of 2 years of unemployment by moving during the summer to support James in school because he is destructive on his own. all this time I would take a temp job here and there but had to quit them because Amber was sick and James while not working while in school would not answer the phone when Amber's school called if he was in class and that is not ok. all that to say he hated me for all of this. here I thought I was a supportive wife and mother and he hated me for it. I went back to school to be an example to my kids and maybe prove I wasn't stupid (with only 1 year of HS Softmore year) I really wanted a B.S. to prove I could do it ( not a B.A.since art is not a thing I need school in I to use to pay for privet lessons by working at the art gallery as a security officer at Sailor Snug Harbor in S.I.N.Y.)

I took up Warhammer to have a thing to do with him I took up fencing to have a thing to do with him. and all of it didn't matter it seemed. I had almost left him shortly after he got out of the military. so 5 years in. I didn't because I figured as long as he was a good dad I could live with whatever as long as he didn't hit me or berate me in front of the kids. (I wanted the children to have a good role model so they would grow up to have healthy relationships.  

All for naught.

Now here I am at 50. Proud of both my children 1 by marriage and one by birth. I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even a do-over. 

I have found out that a lot of my Learning problems were from the horrible life of instability of housing and moving that we did with 21 different school changes. 

I was informed just how high My I.Q. might be. and for the first time in my life, I don't fricking care if I go back to school. 

In fact, I might go learn to sail a tall iron side ship because I can. And my daughter told me it can count as schooling, lol It was James' dream originally but over time I fell in love with the idea. weird because I have to tell you I am not ok on the open water too far out. I like to keep land in sight.

I am not saying that James owes me anything. I am also not saying he doesn't owe me anything either. I am just tired, I fought to save him from himself. I fought to save him for my peace of mind. And since March it has been us just fighting to the point that he scared me for my safety for the second time in our marriage. James had said he needs to save himself. he is right. this is why I am stepping back. I am doing what I need to do for myself and that means not being here. I however don't know where else I want to be. and while I have lots of invitations which feels nice. and I will visit bunches of you all because I have missed you all. I don't know where I will land because I will need to land. the truth is I am a homebody. I like gardening and puttering in a kitchen and hosting cookie decorating parties and the holidays. I like going to local sca meetings and sca events where my friends are. it is my home, and family, even if I am never a peer. I will now always land in IL. I know this since I drove into it after Pennsic this past year.  and my Baby intends to move back and buy my house in 2 years so having her never more than half a day's drive will be amazing. I can't think of a better life. I know boring, right!? I can be anything I want to be... I think I will choose that to be Happy. hope I get to share that with a partner one day. that would be a fairytale ending fit for Disney.  

And James, I hope you find happiness too. 

Blessed be Ya'll!

Fuck it

 Fuck it

Maybon wishes. Death comes in 3's Merry meet and merry part, bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

 The Death card it a card of endings. And is many ways it is the perfect card for Mabon. 

As a gardener it is time to put change from summer gardening to fall and winter gardening or put the garden to sleep. 

This year my life has 3 deaths. 

My marriage if 27 years, my 12 year old dog, and my 58uear old brother in law. 

Bad things happen in 3's. 

In general death doesn't bother me. It is just a change. It has been a point of contention between me and family before.

When my grandmother died I was very busy during open house making sure the family all got to pick jewelry peices from her large collection. My cousin didn't get it. It was a thing that grandmother spoke to me about that mattered to her. And so it mattered to me. I am the person who sprinkled her and my Poppy's ashes because I knew where they would have been happy about it. 

When my mother died it was a relief to no longer see her so sad. The stroke robbed her of so much. Old or adult death is a passing to the next stage. Though it robs the living of the sharing of this time with those people.

Young death is harder. Much much harder. It breaks hearts, minds and spirits from us the living. They they get to move on to the next life but the hole left is permanent. Living with a hole in your living room is challenging. 

Pets I have had to let go a a few.... I know I have loved them well. If ever a life to come back as one of my pets is a good one. Whoe be those who I catch hurting a animal. I can spend a night in jail, it is not comfy but by goddess I will. 

My marriage ending is a different horse. Change is hard. I don't operate like other people. As such I will float fir a bit. Like floating in the warm late summer Atlantic bobbing as I go catch up with all my friends, helping them with their projects. This is the universes gift to them and to me. I don't get to always be free and this is my reward for years of service to the humans that my marriage and family gave me to care for. 

Fist as a military wife, then caring for my step son with his behavior challenges, then mu daughters health problems, and husband's emotional challenges, my mothers heartattack then stroke, the house fire and My husband's brothers disease. I take care of people it is my happy place. I will travel and do this as I visit people. Then I will go back to school to get the degree to settle down and get paid to take care of people. 

This is the end of one season of my life and the birth of another. I am happy not sad. I am relieved. I am hopeful as I smell the fall leaves decaying and hear them falling. I feel the nip in the air and long for a fire place and a blanket to snuggle in with warm cider and an eternal love to share it with. 

Like equinox I stand in to worlds today. Tomorrow I step in to the next one. 

Preparing my lists for burning on Samhain to send to the Great Spirit. Till then look hard and love harder at your world and know that with death is rebirth. 

Merry meet and merry part, bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

Blessed Mabon &

Blessed be ya'll!

Dancing on dew drops

 When you close your eyes do you ride leaves as they glide on the wind

Do you run on the top of grass blades

Let water pour over you from flowers in the first morning light

 Do you dance on the top of dew drops that glisten in the twilight caught between the magic of night and day

Do you hear the sparkle of the evaporating of the mists created as the sun claims the night magic, 

I know you see me, 

Come be with me, 

Lay with me and close your eyes and see with your being as the world sings it songs.

Be still and hold all and know. 

Together we are Beloved. I have missed you.

Welcome home.