Didnt know

 I didn't know I was missing 

I didn't know I was missing you

I didn't know the years of pain could stop hurting me.

I didn't know how lonely I was for someone to see the world the way I do. 

I didnt know someone could see me

I didn't know I wanted to be seen

I didn't know

I didn't know

The Art made me not do it

 I meant to eat I always sing

in a minute while I make this thing

I meant clean that thing as soon as I got out of bed,

It will wait a few minutes because the idea in my head

I meant sweep the yard today,

the paint, the glass the art didn't give me my say

The garden pallet calls my heart

I know I shouldn't listen to the market I should dart. 

I really should eat and shop and clean.

It's not my fault the muses are mean...

Written at 3:33 pm when I realized that while I had cleaned and fed my patient I had also just my spare time to do art and forgot to eat.....allday.... again.

Aug 16 2022 trying something new

 I am going to do a brain dump. 

Here goes nothing...

I wake up alone every morning, and I go to sleep alone too. the hardest part of this is my head is full of thoughts Ideas and thoughts with no one to share them with, I dream so real I am never sure where I am when I wake up. 

My thoughts are not anything profound most of the time. this morning it was just how I find I have to keep pointing out that the idea that the whole population of Europe was illiterate doesn't scan. since we know in the Tudor period that Reading and writing were not the same subjects, and as we look further back we have times laws postered in town squares. 

and the truth is even when I had James to wake up to he was not really interested in these thoughts and Ideas so I was alone even when I wasn't alone. I don't write because English is almost a second language to me. I don't know why but it is. the sad part is I lack any first language when I tried to go to college in the 90s for an architecture degree they still required a foreign language I got a waiver to take sign language in place of it... but during the first semester in Oct when I was the Designated Driver our car was T-boned at an intersection by a street cleaner on its way to a job and accidentally ran a red light at full speed. we were in a Chevet. 

the irony is EDS more than likely saved my back then is not lost on me.  I was in pain till a chiropractor eventually moved my vertebrae into the places they belong again a year later un-pinching my sciatic nerve.  It was about 2 years later that I was a passenger in a car and the driver ran a red light in Newark and caused us to be hit by a semi garbage truck. It took ten years for me not to be afraid of street cleaners and semis lol. 

I'm going to return to writing 'As the World Burns. It helps me rest my mind. I hope to post on all of my blogs more. You will have to figure out who you are in my story because I give everyone names. My understanding is that It is a gift. this makes me happy. I also hope that this will help James. my Blog has him as a gallant bard and I think he needs that too. I can't fix people, I can't fix the past. but I can paint it with words in the gentlest silliest way possible. I just hope that is enough. 

I will start adding cooking stuff to my "cooking with Strawberry" Blog It helps me send recipes to my daughter. I feel like it is the only Legacy I have for my children. And I am so proud of how strong and smart and independent Amber is. And I am proud of my Bradbasaur he is killing adulting. so this Blog area will be just me rambling nothing special. If you want a giggle go read As the World Burns, It is the Melodramatic telling of my mundane life. It seems some people think it is not all that mundane and that even boring things are funnier when told in a silly form. 

I know that writing won't fill a void and I know that some of you might ask for a decoder ring to even be able to read my crap. (I use Grammarly I swear. lol) and It is so vain to think anyone at all has any interest in reading anything I write. I am writing for me, not for anyone else. I need this it helps me feel not so alone. now that I have boar, my soul, to the world please don't contact me asking if I am ok. I don't like to talk about it. this is the best I got, 

2021 Goals

 The different between a goal and a wish. A goal has a plan.

Goals 2021 "non SCA"

1. & 2. lose weight, gain strength (to better brace my joints)

"I don't always roll joints but when I do it is Usually my ankle"

I am using Noom and down 7 lbs so far. Also I am walking the dog when she lets me (she had her hip removed and didnt like the bitter cold anymore) but I walked with out her yesterday.

3. I am trying to not bite my nails a thing I have done since I was a toddler. so far so good. I keep a file and buffer in my desk draw.

4. Pay off debt. (I started officerly Oct 31 as my new years but unbeknownst to Jim I started in April) I have paid off 3 things and paying off a 4th this month. I am using the Snowball method. Making choices to do this was made easier by not having a student loan payment temporarily. I started with the use of Excel listing the debt the payment the interest rate. then I list what the snowball amount is. I also have have been putting money away till I had 1000 in savings for any emergences. on top of this I am paying for my daughters wedding as well it is in 2022 but by getting things and booking a site now we can get a place she wants and the things she wants at prices and eco conscience which makes both of us happy. This is helped also because of the next goal.

5. Minimal/ simplistic. I am cleaning and clearing my house. every time some one passes they cant bear to just give stuff to a thrift store. so I end up with it for one reason or another. when I move into this house I promised myself that things that came in would be intentional. but then I have things like moms books. Mom loved her books. I MEAN LOVVVVVED THEM! I am looking though the cook books picking the recipes and photo coping them and adding them to my cook book and releasing them. My goal is one shelf of mom cook books, and no more. I have sleeping bags. I don't use sleeping bags. "Going away they are. Why do I have 5 spatulas in the basement kitchen? GONE! " Clothes have gone into a quarantine bin and in the spring they will be looked at and if I do not intend to wear it they are going too. Pictures will be hung or they are gone. So on, and on. Shopping needs to be very intentional and it is more so. I am buying more from small business when I can and only things on my list.

Dec 3rd and 4th declutter

 I forgot to post yesterday so here are 16 things out of my cabinet they are plate holders and 3 dishes =16 items.

Then for today I cleaned out the first aid box that was left under the upstairs bathroom sink with moms medicines she died Oct 2016 most of these items expired in 2017 and 2018. I will be bringing the meds to a police department to get rid of them. There is well over 16 things here. This basket being cleaned out has been on my todo list for a while.

Dec 2 decuttered 2 sewing drawers.

 Today I decluttered not one but 2 sewing draws. Now they have much less in them some of the stuff needed to be put with like items. Elastic, Hook and Loop tape. The last pile here is everything that had to go. Some is going to thrift store or Bit well over 16 items gone. I only thought to take a photo while in process so one draw mostly empty and the second un touched. It has been a long time since all these cabinet have been in the same space when a organization operation has happened. Just FYI, The top is still a mess.so is underneath it. That is for another day. I need to get the fabric all sorted before I visit Bit Finney to drop off the xmas gifts for the grandbabies.

This is an in progress shot I forgot to get one before I did the first drawer. quite a lot of the stuff just need to go live with like items I have a hook and loop drawer else where and a spot for elastic and for trim and bias tape. 

What stayed in this drawer is the squeekers, the rotary blades till I can find the rotary cutter and change a blade or if I dont find it these go away also. and basic sewing stuff magnates and pins and measuring tapes.

This I didnt know where to store at first. I left the blades in the drawer now that I can find all of them and will add more if I fine more, the embroidery went to live with Jim's embroidery stuff in the Garb closet. 

Things to go away some are garbage some thrift store some rehomed but all of this is leaving.

The second drawer has less in it. these are a bias tape maker, lace threaders and elastic threaders.

Also in that drawer is needles (just not the beading needles that live with the beads) and a metal buckle 

That is it for today!

De clutter with me Dec 2020

Declutter along with me if you care to my goal is to declutter 16 items a day for Dec. I picked this amount because it is the divided amount of the culminated amount of 1 item then 2 items then 3 items etc for 31 days.  Everything over 16 I don't count unless I am making up for a missed day. This is my night stand. This drawer had become a junk draw. I put away my jewelery, and hair ties and hair pins & sticks to where they belong. Through out a bunch of receipts, business cards and recycled empty plastic bottles. Disposed of a bunch of broken charger cords too. I decluttered 16 items not counting the more then double of that trash. And I am counting this towards my 10 minute tackle of a thing that needs delt with and shouldn't take long. Again I am a simplaist not a minimalist. I am just looking to remove the clutter of things that are bot serving my life. I have a laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs that i put things to go upstairs and all the thrift into it. By sending my stuff to the thrift store i have room to welcome the things that will better serve me into my life. I ask myself. Do I use it. Do i have duplicates and is the redundancy of the item really necessary. If i get rid of it and later feel i could have used it what will I do. And how easy is the item to replace. Remember I had a house fire I know what I can live with out. I am also "blessing it forward". As I go though my fabric I say can someone make childrens clothes out of this. Why am I keeping it. What can I do with this right now. Why am I not doing it. What would change in the next 3 to 6 months that would make me use this.