Words running around in my head a post about dreams past and present

 James and I unfriended each other and I changed my FB settings to friends only so he will stop morbidly reading my posts. 

I can't take him trying to blame me for one second then the second saying we could cancel the divorce. 1st off no. 2dn off. I am too cheap to do that I paid for it already. lol. Yeah yeah, I know what a strange thing to be frugal about. it is why I get a gym membership I am too cheap not to use it if I have it. 

I have been putting off writing up the game write-up for, Daldos.

Perfectionism is paralyzing. It is. I have it with all art protects too it takes a combination of procrastination and trickery for me to do a good enough job on a thing. Master Giuome is one of my heroes because he is so good at reminding me that I make household goods when I make games, not art pieces. there are art pieces I make too. Master Phillipe reminds me I teach games not make games as my art. the problem is words are not my skill. I hate writing up things. I mean makes me cry kind of hate. it has always been this bad now that I think back on it. I use to dictate to my mother what I wanted to be written. I know the teachers knew it too. but they always quizzed me on the information and since they could tell I knew my stuff they just let it slide. 

I am never going to get over this... I am 50 years old. I just have to move on. And if that means never being a peer I will have to live with it. I don't think I should cause myself that kind f trauma for some recognition. I will just keep encouraging others and move on. #artoutloudSCA. 

I can be happy cheering for my friends it is a thing I like to do, and it brings me so much joy to know I have made a difference in other people's lives. 

so I will be my awkward goofy ungraceful jock self Listening to the sun sing and the water shine and dancing despite it all and singing even if I butcher the melody.

my tendency is to be Obliger/rebel  From Gretchen Rubin's book The Four Tendencies, means that I am a co-conspirator kind of person. I do things to please others. it is my happy place. I like having a cleaning day or cleaning partner really. which is why Amy helping me sort through the stuff helps

I found out that I thought that I was a good wife and mother and my children seem to approve of this on the mother's part however seems I was never a good wife. James was never happy that I would just pick up and take the kids on trips even when He couldn't go. James likes to use his off days to just decompress or as a mental health day. I never faulted him that. I however was busy making memories with the kids.

I had jobs when we got married I worked in Fl (a Fabric store) and in PA (General Manager of DQ). When James' father died he used it as an excuse not to reenlist because he didn't want to back on a ship because he disliked going to sea.  I worked at first in IL But I found I had to stop working after 9/11 to stay home with the kids (and that was 20 months of depression I will tell you.) after that I was a school bus driver then for 5 years so I didn't have to put the kids in child care over the summer. I never wanted my children to be raised by paid staff. Then James lost his job and I talked him into going back to school, The economy crashed and I got the gift in a way of 2 years of unemployment by moving during the summer to support James in school because he is destructive on his own. all this time I would take a temp job here and there but had to quit them because Amber was sick and James while not working while in school would not answer the phone when Amber's school called if he was in class and that is not ok. all that to say he hated me for all of this. here I thought I was a supportive wife and mother and he hated me for it. I went back to school to be an example to my kids and maybe prove I wasn't stupid (with only 1 year of HS Softmore year) I really wanted a B.S. to prove I could do it ( not a B.A.since art is not a thing I need school in I to use to pay for privet lessons by working at the art gallery as a security officer at Sailor Snug Harbor in S.I.N.Y.)

I took up Warhammer to have a thing to do with him I took up fencing to have a thing to do with him. and all of it didn't matter it seemed. I had almost left him shortly after he got out of the military. so 5 years in. I didn't because I figured as long as he was a good dad I could live with whatever as long as he didn't hit me or berate me in front of the kids. (I wanted the children to have a good role model so they would grow up to have healthy relationships.  

All for naught.

Now here I am at 50. Proud of both my children 1 by marriage and one by birth. I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even a do-over. 

I have found out that a lot of my Learning problems were from the horrible life of instability of housing and moving that we did with 21 different school changes. 

I was informed just how high My I.Q. might be. and for the first time in my life, I don't fricking care if I go back to school. 

In fact, I might go learn to sail a tall iron side ship because I can. And my daughter told me it can count as schooling, lol It was James' dream originally but over time I fell in love with the idea. weird because I have to tell you I am not ok on the open water too far out. I like to keep land in sight.

I am not saying that James owes me anything. I am also not saying he doesn't owe me anything either. I am just tired, I fought to save him from himself. I fought to save him for my peace of mind. And since March it has been us just fighting to the point that he scared me for my safety for the second time in our marriage. James had said he needs to save himself. he is right. this is why I am stepping back. I am doing what I need to do for myself and that means not being here. I however don't know where else I want to be. and while I have lots of invitations which feels nice. and I will visit bunches of you all because I have missed you all. I don't know where I will land because I will need to land. the truth is I am a homebody. I like gardening and puttering in a kitchen and hosting cookie decorating parties and the holidays. I like going to local sca meetings and sca events where my friends are. it is my home, and family, even if I am never a peer. I will now always land in IL. I know this since I drove into it after Pennsic this past year.  and my Baby intends to move back and buy my house in 2 years so having her never more than half a day's drive will be amazing. I can't think of a better life. I know boring, right!? I can be anything I want to be... I think I will choose that to be Happy. hope I get to share that with a partner one day. that would be a fairytale ending fit for Disney.  

And James, I hope you find happiness too. 

Blessed be Ya'll!