Science versus my belief

 Science of things like barometers and the stars.as well as some Palmistry.

Can the cosmos effect you.

First let's talk about what the barometer measurs and what retrograde is and what it proves.

You have seen the bio sphear of air around the earth. It is fairly magical. With out it there is no life. It experts gravity endured pressure as is is pulled in. And some days when there is a weather change is is pulled more. Thing about the draft or sleep steam created behind a semitruck and how the air rushes in to fill the space vacated by the truck as it moves and.leaves an empty space. That air rushing is and pressure. It is not a lot of pressure however it it is detactable. By instruments and animals it effects are seen by water and tdes. A tide will be higher or lower because of it. Not only this but the moons gravitation pull also effects the barometric pressure as well. A high tide at full moon with a low barometric pressure will be extra high. This is Science. That means that it is measurable and there for provable. 

This is what makes all these things facts and there for science.  Before we understood how to prove that the sun was the center of the our solar system there were arguments about it. The final proof is a plants Retrograde observation. Planets move in retrograde in relation to another planet. 

It is the way we see the other planets move though the night sky from earth. 

Think of a tilt a whirl going around the center point while we all spin in our spots. We'll now image if each car moved at different speeds. We would pass them or they might pass us then they would seem to be moving a different direction. Look up videos explaining it. People with skills have created graphics illustrating it. Mercury and Saturn and so on you can see.

All that is 6 grade science. 

I personally feel the barometric pressure changes. My statement of I hurt is that gravity is high this is not that gravity has changed this is that gravityies pull on things is effecting me more at the moment. And high and low changes effect me. Change is the thing I can adept to the change but will then be affected when it changes again there is no good or bad only change. 

Just because the moons proximity to the earth make changes it causes more measurable doesn't mean other changes less measurable don't effect things. Think butterfly effect idea. 

Forces moving though our lives are just that. However we have tools and how we use our tools is as much a part of our make up. That being said .

The chart of the sky as observable from where I was born is my tools. And understanding how each aspect of this sets me up gives me a frame work to work with what I have. I am not bound by this I am liberated by this. Thanks Danni for the chart illustration.

Palmistry, is even more complex. No one line defines anything it is a book and all the latter's and words together tell the story. And the story even has chapters and in my case a 2 book series. Thus becomes even more mumbo-jumbo to some people. If people can belive in Jesus then why can't people belive in these things. Further I want to point out to any Christians who might read this the church recognizes which craft, and voodoo and so on. Think about that. Whether you think it is plosebo effect or dilutions it effects people.

My palm shows my divorce it shows my children it shows my rocky marriage. It shows a second happy marriage.it shows my ability to understand all this called psychic ability, and so much more. From a young age I have always fried to make plans but I know the inevitable is my path. You would think that this take free will out of the picture but it doesn't. Along the way I can take a different path. But I always have known it is more a reward if I choose the path given. I have choose the paths. Like swimming sideways in a rip tide. I don't chase money I chase happiness. I chase joy. I need so little in the world. The material things are borrowed from the world. They aren't really ours. Only love and experience is owned. Comfortable is nice and I will work for those because I want them not because I need them. Everything to me just represents feelings. And I don't want to feel bad all the time. I got lost trying to fix and take care of others.  My chart is what it is and my palm reminds me. I had not looked for a long time at it. Because I have not had a person I wanted to do the work to change for. Like the barometric pressure on me change is hard. As such till I had a reason why add the suffering. My entire life when I planned a school I had it removed as an option whether by car accident or abusive house hold. Durring marriage every job I had became temporary.  because of moving and because of a unstable home life. I am fluid. I am liquid and solid in this life. I suppose I am like the glass I melt and shape. Maybe it is why I love glass work. I also love Dandelions these are filled with vitamin A,B,C,D, & E. Their root is designed to break up compressed soil. As they do this you will see less and less of them in an area as they do their job then are no longer needed. I love plants called weeds and wild flowers. Yhings that grow and are beautiful  dispite your wish of where things should grow. Feral plants also make me smile. And all of it is not science at the same time that it is. But it is me. My faith might be silly to you but take me as I am I am done trying to be what I am not. Don't get me wrong I still try and please people. I can't help it. I hate letting people down my word is my honor. I hold my honor tight. I don't give my word around all willy-nilly. But all the same I am not caring about others talking above me or making me feel small. If I walk away from someone durring a conversation, think about the conversation I walked away from. Silly magical me is going to be happy.  Life is to short to waste on small hearts and small feelings. Blessed be Ya'll. 

Fall wordrobe deletion

Watching the Mimimual mom on you tube again. She always inspires me to feel a thing and let it go when it comes to items. It is ok to not be in a season of life that you use to be. Also sometimes an item has out lived its usefulness. Here is what I am doing in my wardrobe. 

These pants are size 14 and 12 I am wearing a size 6 so these need to go

I haven't worn these things for many reasons one of which is I don't like how they fit. So gone they are...

There things are now clothes for painting. Because they have stains. 

Sad I am about the purple pants but all of these have holes or some other thing is wrong so to the trash.. but wait I love the purple soooooo

I made hair ties out of the pants and head bands

I make sure they are where I will look for them, as well as where I will use them head bands go here on the hanger Amber made in the Bathroom

Hair ties go in the apothecary jar for Bobby pins and hair ties on the bath room counter. I tried a minimum bathroom counter. I made me sad. I like having my things in pretty display containers... you should see my spice rack or my OTC Meds lol.

                        See they work great!
 

Here you can see i have decided to hang my every day shirts up to make my walls look less bear and also because I like my silly shirts. I store my go bag and my weekend bags near my night stand I have tried to get in the habit of making my bed. But meh it just hasn't been a priority. I am ok with this 

I use book shelves instead of dressers. I am a visual organizer. I have bras socks and undies in baskets. The shelves are separated by function of the clothes. Pants, work out clothes, sleep clothes, sca shirts, sweaters and warm pants.

 

 

Here is the wall I see from my bed I put my favorit T shirts here

Here is another stack of clothes to go.large shorts and pants, socks Idont really like, bras and more shirts. 

Words running around in my head a post about dreams past and present

 James and I unfriended each other and I changed my FB settings to friends only so he will stop morbidly reading my posts. 

I can't take him trying to blame me for one second then the second saying we could cancel the divorce. 1st off no. 2dn off. I am too cheap to do that I paid for it already. lol. Yeah yeah, I know what a strange thing to be frugal about. it is why I get a gym membership I am too cheap not to use it if I have it. 

I have been putting off writing up the game write-up for, Daldos.

Perfectionism is paralyzing. It is. I have it with all art protects too it takes a combination of procrastination and trickery for me to do a good enough job on a thing. Master Giuome is one of my heroes because he is so good at reminding me that I make household goods when I make games, not art pieces. there are art pieces I make too. Master Phillipe reminds me I teach games not make games as my art. the problem is words are not my skill. I hate writing up things. I mean makes me cry kind of hate. it has always been this bad now that I think back on it. I use to dictate to my mother what I wanted to be written. I know the teachers knew it too. but they always quizzed me on the information and since they could tell I knew my stuff they just let it slide. 

I am never going to get over this... I am 50 years old. I just have to move on. And if that means never being a peer I will have to live with it. I don't think I should cause myself that kind f trauma for some recognition. I will just keep encouraging others and move on. #artoutloudSCA. 

I can be happy cheering for my friends it is a thing I like to do, and it brings me so much joy to know I have made a difference in other people's lives. 

so I will be my awkward goofy ungraceful jock self Listening to the sun sing and the water shine and dancing despite it all and singing even if I butcher the melody.

my tendency is to be Obliger/rebel  From Gretchen Rubin's book The Four Tendencies, means that I am a co-conspirator kind of person. I do things to please others. it is my happy place. I like having a cleaning day or cleaning partner really. which is why Amy helping me sort through the stuff helps

I found out that I thought that I was a good wife and mother and my children seem to approve of this on the mother's part however seems I was never a good wife. James was never happy that I would just pick up and take the kids on trips even when He couldn't go. James likes to use his off days to just decompress or as a mental health day. I never faulted him that. I however was busy making memories with the kids.

I had jobs when we got married I worked in Fl (a Fabric store) and in PA (General Manager of DQ). When James' father died he used it as an excuse not to reenlist because he didn't want to back on a ship because he disliked going to sea.  I worked at first in IL But I found I had to stop working after 9/11 to stay home with the kids (and that was 20 months of depression I will tell you.) after that I was a school bus driver then for 5 years so I didn't have to put the kids in child care over the summer. I never wanted my children to be raised by paid staff. Then James lost his job and I talked him into going back to school, The economy crashed and I got the gift in a way of 2 years of unemployment by moving during the summer to support James in school because he is destructive on his own. all this time I would take a temp job here and there but had to quit them because Amber was sick and James while not working while in school would not answer the phone when Amber's school called if he was in class and that is not ok. all that to say he hated me for all of this. here I thought I was a supportive wife and mother and he hated me for it. I went back to school to be an example to my kids and maybe prove I wasn't stupid (with only 1 year of HS Softmore year) I really wanted a B.S. to prove I could do it ( not a B.A.since art is not a thing I need school in I to use to pay for privet lessons by working at the art gallery as a security officer at Sailor Snug Harbor in S.I.N.Y.)

I took up Warhammer to have a thing to do with him I took up fencing to have a thing to do with him. and all of it didn't matter it seemed. I had almost left him shortly after he got out of the military. so 5 years in. I didn't because I figured as long as he was a good dad I could live with whatever as long as he didn't hit me or berate me in front of the kids. (I wanted the children to have a good role model so they would grow up to have healthy relationships.  

All for naught.

Now here I am at 50. Proud of both my children 1 by marriage and one by birth. I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even a do-over. 

I have found out that a lot of my Learning problems were from the horrible life of instability of housing and moving that we did with 21 different school changes. 

I was informed just how high My I.Q. might be. and for the first time in my life, I don't fricking care if I go back to school. 

In fact, I might go learn to sail a tall iron side ship because I can. And my daughter told me it can count as schooling, lol It was James' dream originally but over time I fell in love with the idea. weird because I have to tell you I am not ok on the open water too far out. I like to keep land in sight.

I am not saying that James owes me anything. I am also not saying he doesn't owe me anything either. I am just tired, I fought to save him from himself. I fought to save him for my peace of mind. And since March it has been us just fighting to the point that he scared me for my safety for the second time in our marriage. James had said he needs to save himself. he is right. this is why I am stepping back. I am doing what I need to do for myself and that means not being here. I however don't know where else I want to be. and while I have lots of invitations which feels nice. and I will visit bunches of you all because I have missed you all. I don't know where I will land because I will need to land. the truth is I am a homebody. I like gardening and puttering in a kitchen and hosting cookie decorating parties and the holidays. I like going to local sca meetings and sca events where my friends are. it is my home, and family, even if I am never a peer. I will now always land in IL. I know this since I drove into it after Pennsic this past year.  and my Baby intends to move back and buy my house in 2 years so having her never more than half a day's drive will be amazing. I can't think of a better life. I know boring, right!? I can be anything I want to be... I think I will choose that to be Happy. hope I get to share that with a partner one day. that would be a fairytale ending fit for Disney.  

And James, I hope you find happiness too. 

Blessed be Ya'll!

Fuck it

 Fuck it

Maybon wishes. Death comes in 3's Merry meet and merry part, bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

 The Death card it a card of endings. And is many ways it is the perfect card for Mabon. 

As a gardener it is time to put change from summer gardening to fall and winter gardening or put the garden to sleep. 

This year my life has 3 deaths. 

My marriage if 27 years, my 12 year old dog, and my 58uear old brother in law. 

Bad things happen in 3's. 

In general death doesn't bother me. It is just a change. It has been a point of contention between me and family before.

When my grandmother died I was very busy during open house making sure the family all got to pick jewelry peices from her large collection. My cousin didn't get it. It was a thing that grandmother spoke to me about that mattered to her. And so it mattered to me. I am the person who sprinkled her and my Poppy's ashes because I knew where they would have been happy about it. 

When my mother died it was a relief to no longer see her so sad. The stroke robbed her of so much. Old or adult death is a passing to the next stage. Though it robs the living of the sharing of this time with those people.

Young death is harder. Much much harder. It breaks hearts, minds and spirits from us the living. They they get to move on to the next life but the hole left is permanent. Living with a hole in your living room is challenging. 

Pets I have had to let go a a few.... I know I have loved them well. If ever a life to come back as one of my pets is a good one. Whoe be those who I catch hurting a animal. I can spend a night in jail, it is not comfy but by goddess I will. 

My marriage ending is a different horse. Change is hard. I don't operate like other people. As such I will float fir a bit. Like floating in the warm late summer Atlantic bobbing as I go catch up with all my friends, helping them with their projects. This is the universes gift to them and to me. I don't get to always be free and this is my reward for years of service to the humans that my marriage and family gave me to care for. 

Fist as a military wife, then caring for my step son with his behavior challenges, then mu daughters health problems, and husband's emotional challenges, my mothers heartattack then stroke, the house fire and My husband's brothers disease. I take care of people it is my happy place. I will travel and do this as I visit people. Then I will go back to school to get the degree to settle down and get paid to take care of people. 

This is the end of one season of my life and the birth of another. I am happy not sad. I am relieved. I am hopeful as I smell the fall leaves decaying and hear them falling. I feel the nip in the air and long for a fire place and a blanket to snuggle in with warm cider and an eternal love to share it with. 

Like equinox I stand in to worlds today. Tomorrow I step in to the next one. 

Preparing my lists for burning on Samhain to send to the Great Spirit. Till then look hard and love harder at your world and know that with death is rebirth. 

Merry meet and merry part, bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

Blessed Mabon &

Blessed be ya'll!

Dancing on dew drops

 When you close your eyes do you ride leaves as they glide on the wind

Do you run on the top of grass blades

Let water pour over you from flowers in the first morning light

 Do you dance on the top of dew drops that glisten in the twilight caught between the magic of night and day

Do you hear the sparkle of the evaporating of the mists created as the sun claims the night magic, 

I know you see me, 

Come be with me, 

Lay with me and close your eyes and see with your being as the world sings it songs.

Be still and hold all and know. 

Together we are Beloved. I have missed you.

Welcome home. 

Conditions of love

 I always said 2 things

I trust everyone.... to always be who they are.

And that I can love people unconditionally but also not live with them unconditionally

Love doesn't just appear and disappear because of horrid behavior 

Also loving someone doesn't prclude you from moving on. love can change.

I unfortunately allowed all my rules to be over ran... because I always gave my self solace that he was a good father so even if he was a bad husband at least the children had their father.

I suppose that was my truly only unconditional  stop point. I would do anything for the kids. Including live is a hellish marriage that was mentally bad for me. But if not a good father then all bets are off. 

A friend tells me to have 3 or less requirements is healthy. 

They also tell me I did good to run away when I physical safety was a genuine issue. 

I never really found my self worth I suppose. I know the things I am good at. But I don't think I am all that ambitious. 

I am happy making home and working for money to enjoy life. I have no idea why I am that simple. I just want to be safe and loved and feel understood. Seems like all this should be a no-brainer. 

A friend to share that same geek outs with. 

I miss laying in bed before being interment chatting about stuff. Life the universe and everything. 

 I use to fall asleep mid sentence when I was first married and pick up when I woke right where I left off. My SO thought it was funny he never could remember where the conversation was that made me feel a disconnect. We never sorted that out either. 

I don't know if I have hopes of conditions any more. I just want to feel so safe that I don't need a list. 

I forgot I love him

I filed the paper work for divorce.

My friend said something last Thursday that struck hard. 

He said of court is hard neither of you wanted the marriage to end. 

And I paused. He reminded me that we loved one another or we would have been married let alone for 27 years. AND this is hard because we never planned for our marriage to end. He is right.

This triggered a lot of emotions. I remember listening to another friend speak about his now ex and how gracesful she is dancing with such love.  I envied him his happy memories.

With that so many stories come to mind and heart. 

From the winning a silly egg toss at the church pick nick then egging him. 

Him walking down the gang plank after being out to sea for a week or a month. 

 Me driving up to the ship in labor and waddling up it and the poor guy on watch freeking out that a women in labor is on his watch on the ship. Lol

Us playing Maldivian in the Larp using raidios with head sets to do malk time. Or infiltrating the Trimmier and bruja.. 

Playing Magic the gathering at Sammy s they hated my rainbow deck.

Playing Warhammer together. Painting figures and making terrain. 

Walking Ambler PA for Rita's water ice with the children.

 Working together at Dairy queen were I was the Manger, when he has off from the Navy, because my mom picked up the kids and we could do anything so why not work together. we were amazing in a kitchen together. 

Dancing at demos in the nursing home with our matching garb flirting and seeing the residents smiling and pointing to us because we were adorable together.

 He would turn on the electric blanket so I could get into a warm bed. (He might had done this to save himself from my cold feet lol 😆)

But he still smiled at seeing the pure happy content look I get from being warm. 

He still remembers my I want rocky road ice cream look from when I was pregnant. Seems I made it the other day after surgery when I wanted pasta with tuna.  He didn't fall for it when I was pregnant or now though. 

I cried last night for the loss of my marriage. I love him still. To much has happened to fix. Forgiving,yes, but the damage is unrepairable. 

But I do still love him. And that is both ok and it hurts. 

Sorry.

 I am going to wallow for a minute ok. 

I love fall so much. But this year looking at Halloween stuff in stores all I can think is I don't know if I will have room for it. I also don't know if I should bear root my peppers and bring them in. Will my patchouli plant over winter inside just to be moved to a place I don't have a yard or pots next year. Finding an apartment thay will let my use oxi/propane touch and my kiln is not going to be easy. I have no one to talk to about these things. I refuse to bring down people who are happily married. I half don't want to talk about them. I am working on trying to remember the good times. I am working hard on being happy. But a friend hit a nerve when he pointed out that I never wanted to end a marriage. He is right. I am neither a quitter nor an abandoner, I built my life around being portable for my spouse. We were supposed to be a team. Yet here I am trying on using maiden name. I am planning to get the physical therapy assistant degree because atleast it pays well enough and I can move anywhere. I can work doing home health or in a clinic or a hospital. I am good with Geriatric and teen patients so why not. If I can find a cheep enough place I can just save tons of money and camp and sca and travel on weekends. And with that kind of job I will have medical benefits. It will take 3 Yeats from now to get there. I also want to pay cash for my schooling. I ain't got time for taking on debt. 

But I goes back to what do I do today. I have Dr's to call creating a new email account using my maiden name, setting up my own pay pal because for all these years I shared one with my Ex, ordering legal paper work, and so on pluse sorting and cleaning stuff to get rid of. And it is just a very lost place to be. 

Things to do

 So much to do today, tomorrow 

Many phone calls, documents ordered.

Sort though stuff, what to keep, what to move. What to store

Meds fixed with drs for him, food made too

Bug out bag sorted with important papers and clothes no more surprises no more being scared

Hiding in plain site

You human don't know me at all

This persona I share is what you see

You think  you hear me, my words say nothing of who I am

You can't see me as I hide in plain site

I share nothing that is really me 

I don't have time for you to know

I dont have trust for you all

I stay safe as you think I share so much

But you don't know who I am

My loves, my beliefs, my code, my pains, you know nothing of what is behind the lock and key

 Few ever see me, let alone know me. 

If I let you in please know you are charmed.

Be gentle with my soul, it hurts if my trust is betrayed and harmed.

If you are my chosen one I will be promised only to you till the end of time

Defender, lover, friend, partner all the things I will be yours and you will be mine.

For only you 

For no one else knows me....

Planning today for tomorrow

 Just thinking outloud. Got home & took back my patient. I &and only me have to make decisions happen. 1st call case worker and Dr. Discuss how will hospice or extended care effect current P.A. services. And about getting these started or is going straight to nursing care facility a better idea. With aleast hospice  James Holt can ask for reprise for a weekend (he takes care of Richard Holt on the weekends) we need over night care for him either way. And help because my surgery the 12th leaves me with orders not to lift over certain weight and a 180 lb human is over that weight. He is crumbling multiple days a week as well as middle of the night.

I also am going to the funeral home while he is alive and the power of attorney is in effect to get paper work all in order because the first thing a coroner asks is what funeral home is handling the person. Further cremation paper work must be in order or his daughter will be forced to do it & that is not a thing she wants to do and my duty is to protect my niece. In the state of IL only a licensed funeral home can transport a body. We could have the military bury him however his mom has a box in a columbarium in St John's Episcopalian church where his father ashes are and hers will be oneday too. 

I am with James help further rearranging his room his lift chair will now be between the bathroom and the bed. With about 1ft to 2ft between them. I jave block my niece and grandmother in law from this post. 

I also called his daughter my niece and had this talk with her. Then I had this conversation with him and Dorcas. Then I cleaned up the shit and poss on him and the floor told him if tommorow he was still in this much pain he will be going to the hospital and that he lost his right to say no to that. I only ever do by him right and respect his choices till they are unsafe. He has been fed and transfered to his recliner. Now I am going to eat my blue berries and read my comics and fill out an event bid for the sca. Also plan glass beads. 👓

 An joyed hanging with Sof and G. Was Brea's safe adult that played with her. Loved getting to Play chess and getting to fully beining able to immerse my self in the game too till half way though the second game to reach that space in my brain. It is like when I play with glass or art. I am still not very good, however with regularly playing I might be able to get in that zone easier. It was so peaceful sit and play.  

I got to watch to friends elevated to exceltcys Rowana and Rose'

And Joshua blew away a fencing challenge 

And Philippe join a company of Saint Jude.

I feel good about my day. 

Trying to figure it out

 Good new is I am out every weekend working or at an event

Badd news is I need to be near or in house weekdays to take care of my charge.

Working on finding a nursing care facility for my charge

Working on getting paper work for the divorce.

Have 2 safe hiding places to run to if things turn super bad again. 

More if I really need it I suppose.

I think things are stable for him for the time being. 

Letting him and everyone stay in the house rather then selling it right now.

I am moving out. 

I would rather not be there.

Just the plan I had to get my physical therapy schooling is screwed by this possibly.

Why do I bother making plans

into the void

 I'm done yelling into the void,

The world is brighter today, 

I'm done yelling into the void, 

we shall both go our separate ways, 

I'm done yelling into the void, 

I didn't know it would hurt so bad

I'm done yelling into the void,

I guess now I know why I'm so sad

I'm done yelling into the void,

I didn't know letting go of the hate could ne a thing

I'm done yelling into the void,

It left a space for all the pain to really sting.

I'm done yelling into the void,

Walls shall now return to normal

I'm done yelling into the void,

I will return to being more formal

I will not be held hostage anymore

 I will not be held hostage any more.

 I will not be held to protecting you from threats of self harm

 I will not be held a responsible to your family 

I am done

 Pull a knife, I don't feel safe

 A threat on your self, but how soon will it turn on me. 

I am done sell the house I don't care I am out. I can live in my truck 

I am safer there.

 I will not be held hostage any more. 

Held hostage

 How does one yell uncle when. You run for a knife. 

How does one claim innocent when you confront the devil

Run.... I know leave everything.....

It is time to fly....

Is the knife for you? Is the knife for me?

I don't know.

But I know I can't be held anymore.

I run and hide. In my safe spot.

 Try and get me bitch..she is stronger then you.

I wish I didn't need protection. Why am I so weak. 

Sigh. Thx my Wizzard of Ami's

Mabon 2022

 Sept 23rd what a time of year fall is coming....  The promise of Samhain just around the corner.

Fall fires, hot apple ciders, apple cake doughnuts, I am optimistic for the first time in such a long time. It is like waking from a nightmare and finally shaking the feelings that the nightmare holds over you for hours later.

I am making 3 plans. I belive in back up plans for my back up plans.

I am still cleaning and purging because I still own way more things then I need. I don't plan to runaway in the night or feel the urge to do so. 

I don't need a bugging out bag in my car, I do need an overnight bag so I can be any where life takes me. Maybe a tent too. I think I am planning to camp up state for the weekend before Samhain. 

My spirit has been set free. Even if all my weekends are booked. 😆 

Driven to distraction back to reality

 Driven to distraction 

Someone on my brain

Forced to make things

To keep all thoughts away

Finally the fog clears

And I can meditate

No longer held hostage

By thoughts of him

Self-control of feelings

Abilities of controle my thoughts

Feeling are still there

But I can turn them off

What magic had you cast my friend

To make me lose control 

You needed have bothered beloved

For I loved you all along.

I said no

 Easier to seek forgiveness them permission has been used against me for 2 long.

My children are better behaved then him. 

He used my children against me 

to my parental credit I always gave to my children.

You try and trap me by making it so our debt doesn't go away.

You remember little so you say but you remember when I said 20 years ago that I want to be free of debt if I leave you. 

You think of that now that you are watching me pay off all the debt that you can't stop that.

You used that money calculating that I would cave and make up the missing money to get our son a computer. 

He is worth it for sure. But no. You were the one with the idea to get it. You said you would put your windfall of money toward it if I could match it with gift savings money. Well I stand by that

I will.match your funds. That is 0$'s 

Nope not my fault  you did this not me. I have things to pay off. 

It is just the first time I have stood up to you really. It is not the last

 There are no arguments on the subject. 

My silentance speaks volumes.

Butchered " a few of my favorit things"

 Lies, gas lighting and false apologies 

Pretend guilt, manipulation and out right dilutions 

These are a few of your favorit things. 

"But your the strong one" "but I miss you and depressed when your gone" 

Then I will act like it is someone else laying on guilt and attacks about you traveling  

while being the one saying how bad I make you feel for not saving any money at all.

 Words that play on my empathy, 

If thay doesn't work there are compliments of your looks 

and to make everything so bad..... 

False words of generosity to the children, purposefully planing to sabotage the debt pay off schedule. 

You do everything you can to control me and keep me here. To make everything so bad. 

"But your the strong one" "but I miss you and depressed when your gone" 

I simply remember how our whole life was your lies and then as I leave I don't feel so bad. 

The Ethereal Dance

 Dancing with the firefly

 Running though the trees

Holding on to moon beam

Why won't it let me be

 Hearing the grass call to me

 The stars all singing harmony to the water song of soul

How is the ethical realm so real to me when others don't know its tome.

Come run away to play amung the faye this eve

We will dance and sing and be as one just for one night I miss you

 The songs can carry our hearts away just long enough to heal and sway

We will slip away but never stay, refresh us for the days

Yes Monday will come and it is back to work that's fine for day to day

But weekends force shall not be denied,

The eternal realm force shall not be quelled by week day demands of 9 to 5

I see you Peek out of your cave from where your work wants own you.

I see your soul and hear your call please help me, help you, fine me once more

You're so refined and above my station yet that matters not out here

Our souls do know, each others hearts and I've missed your soul so long now

Must dream the dance and laugh and play I call you though the night and into the day.

Though we pretend we're strangers in this land. the ethral realm does know us. 

I can pretend from day to day the me of earth and land and sand

But come this Friday off I go to ethral worlds come find me. 

Friend or more I am not sure, I take what is given, I won't fight for more 

The etheral world will have to do, for all these life times, I have known you

I' ve missed you my beloved in heart and play 

But friend or more I am ok please come back to the ethral realm with me because I sure do miss you. 

(Warning intimate not dirty) Sensory perceptions over drive

 Things I don' discuss. 

Some people suffer from sensory perception over load. This is not my problem.

 I turned it all off for so long. I didnt want to feel, till Pennsic. While at Pennsic I really had some great healing I would say 2 people really helped me more then any other and with it my sensory perception came back on fully and I seem to have forgot how to shield incoming.

I have almost sensory perception over drive. I lean in to the goodness of sensory experience. Which is why I should be shielding. It is weird. it is why I scratch people's backs as a hello because I know how good that can feel when done gently. Just finger tips and smooth curved nail tips.  And so I try to greet people in this pleasant way too. It is an endearment if you will. It also is an indication I will except a hug when I greet a person that way.

I love the sun or a light breeze on bare skin. Warm water pouring out from a shower over head, back and chest. The texture of different sand types from the different beaches. The sound of sand under foot on the damp part of the beach the feel of the sounds of water from a lake river stream or ocean.

The feelings of almost hugging a warm cup in the morning the cup that fits your hands perfectly. 

Sensual massage. Giving a scalp massage. Rubing the short crew cut area of a person's scalp. A light touch of fingers gliding over skin.

Caressing velvet or velveteen. A cool sheet on a bear my body. 

The warm sun one my face. A kiss on the nap of my neck. A loving hug embrace from a love from behind to lean into and snuggle in a public PG kind of way. 

As such I not a casual sex person. 

I don't know how other people FEEL. As in experiance both physical and emotional feelings. I know that I experience a feelings in my chest of intense expanding energy from my emotions. I had it all locked safely up set to live the rest of my life out in a prison of my own making for my protection.  Even after coming out about being single. Yet here I am with all this going on. I see people and I get over whelmed by what their body language says to me. It is like reverse autism. The Dearst Misteress Una put me in charge at Kingdom A&S of making sure the entrants were ok because she saw this and understood its strength. Which made me feel valued for a thing I feel almost cripples me.

I am the monogamous type also. I discover this when in 1995 I announced my coming marriage after 10 month of knowing James. A previous partner proposed upon hearing this but said he wanted and open arrangement and already knew the answer was no but said he would rather a no then not to have asked. It was tempting he was attentive but I am am selfish and like to possess and be be possessed belonging to someone who holds you dear in a way no other does or can. I have the propensity in me not to be jealous per say,  and yet.... just a tinge. Not destructively so. It is a special feeling to feel someone is checking you out when they are your lover it brings an energy with it. It has a sensation, a physical feeling. You know you can see a coi expression on your imzadies face when they feel you looking. And the cross between pride and jealousy when someone checks out you lover. The "yeah that is mine so you better move along" while knowing with certainty you have nothing to worry about because you can fully trust you partner.

I want the laying with my One while holding their hand playing with their hand the mindless touching. the feel while just chatting about the universe or the days events.  Your know Their voice feels right. The vibrations of their voice makes your soul happy. 

I don't know if I will ever get any of that again. Being not all alone in the universe. I alteast I have to sun and the breeze and the feeling cool sheets one my body. I think I will camp in the woods for the weekend before Samhain. I love the smell and sound of autumn in the woods. 

Maybe camping will.make it betterr

 For more of my alive life then not, I have been Mrs. Holt, Amber & Brad's mom. I FIND I am not sure what to do with myself. In the sca I just teach or help do things, it gives me a place to be and it makes me happy. I am good at asking others about them selves. I always predicted marriage would end with widow hood. I take words seriously and promises more so. 

I have moved on about the hurt and pain of the thing but I find I feel very disconnected. I don't know how to process that. I built my life around finding work where ever we were stationed, then were we moved when husband separated from the military found a job there, then being a stay at home mom because as I warned him he would get activated.after 9/11 And so on. I tried to be the good wife and mom. 

Puzzles and games keep my mind engaged and are a instant subject, I loved collecting knowledge of the subject. I can't do suduko with numbers but can with glyphs so my brain is just not right.

 I couldn't get into the physical therapy assistant program this fall because it was full. I can next year. That is a long time away. 

Mean while I am just taking care of Richard, working out, playing with Glass, and trying to figure out how to get words into print and proof read. I have started running a read it aloud app that reads the words I write, so I can hear them, then I can catch the auto corrects changing of words because I dont see the difference between some them. 

I am still processing what my older sister told me about my dyslexia and think that it is a bit correct but that with the Ehlors Danlos also plays apart in it. 21 different schools only one year of Highschool ( sophomor) before dropping out getting my GED and starting College then getting into a car accident that made me quit and not getting back till I was 40. Then I worked hard to get my Associates in Science. 

But I don't know that I want to be a Physical therapy Assistant. I have no idea what I want be when I grow up. I would like to be comfortable around people again though. I keep feeling very below the curve every time Education comes up in a conversation.

 Sorry at age 14 I ran away and lived on the streets of Brooklyn. My 16th year I graduated 8th grade did freshman year over the summer then got hit with a hot frying pan my my step dad and got Fostered by Luigi Kapaj parents. I have some good memories from childhood too

 It is just complicated, and every time I ever hoped or dreamed it always fell apart. 

I was excepted to FIT in NYC while in summer school for freshman year I was supposed to half day my school days with the technical colleges but that fell apart with the frying pan thing. 

 I don't want to be a stage Hypnotist. Like my brother.

 I can't carry a tune, like my sister

my art is ok, but not good enough to make a living off of.

 I relize I could just be a P.A. like I am for Richard full time for others I mean it pay 17$ an hr. And in IL I can live on that. But I really don't want to.

 I am just kind of lost. Next year I hope to work back up on the get business buck fully running 2020 put  cramp in it. 

I just don't trust the universe the way I use to. When the Universe is cruel to you for as long as it has been to me you learn not to trust in. I don't even have reading done on myself because I don't trust the universe. And they are patterns not predictions. I will pull my self off the potty pot tomorrow I know I can't stay on it other people who's lives are worse off need it.

Just let me catch breath.  I think I will plan a camping trip out to starved Rock state park for the last weekend of Oct and do Samhain then. It will give me something to plan for  unless someone has a better camping idea for me. I haven't gone there before. 

Slip Streaming goals

 Happiness is now~ Rumi

Slip streaming is changing how life is lived and perceived. It is living and moving in time space in a non linear way. Time does not fly when we’re having fun, it slows. 

Living a meaningful life is about perception. 

While keeping our perceived reality moving  forward toward our intended destination, it is important to remember that we multiply what we concentrate on. 

Slip streaming is the science fiction way of moving faster then the speed of light. 

Slip streaming is also Drafting such as with bicycling  or a traveling in a boat wake..  causing the objects moving behind it in the same path to move with less effort and less energy though the space and time due to less resistance and the drag pulling the object behind it.

Slip streaming requires the hyper focusing or forgoing of other things. Concentrating on the few and not the many

Time jumping

Using slip streaming causes time jumping almost like the folding of space time it sometimes seems as is opportunities just open up or appear or people who just seemed lucky, or folks who perceive risk faster and or are less risk adverse.

Combining atomic habits with time jumping.

Combined Habit stacking for productivity with time hacking 

Decide what doesn’t serve yourself any more and stop putting energy there. Hold ideas as if objects and ask yourself is this still serving me in a positive way, if it is not then let it go just like a physical object.

Time

We own nothing but time. Everything else is owned buy the earth we only store it.

All things that cost money really cost time. A mortgage costs the time worked to pay for that object. Time is the cost. This doesn’t make it not worth it. But it needs to be considered

Quantum change

Perception of elapsed time, living in the moment, is not failing to plan for the future, it is remembering you can do both at the same time. 

Change should be for positive reason. 

Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better.

Being in a car being driven very fast on a curvy Cliff side road I realized the driver was fully present with the car, road and speed  in a zen like way. Not like driving through a city, in which perceiving the surrounding, the road the speed and the traffic is not fluid and there for is terrifying.

Time hacking causes the slowing down of time perception as you get in the zone.

Understanding that you can only hyper focus one slip stream at a time is very important

 Understanding that you can slip stream because of others by drafting.

Some identify this perception as luck, and sometimes even privilege. It is perception combined with a willingness to take a calculated chance. That fearing change is what holds back this. Some call it intuition some call it blind luck. Surrounding yourself with the right opportunities also helps in slip streaming. 

Pruning unconstructive things and people is critical 

One degree off course over time will take a person decades off course if course corrections are not checked and made.

Never allow fear of success to stand in your way of taking a leap.

Whatever the goal, being committed is a requirement of success for slip streaming to work.

Being committed 100% makes every choice easier. Only 100% commitment will bring about the desired result. 

Remove negative influences that will prevent you from being pulled down by those who are ok with the status quo. 

Everything is possible , but not all at the same time. Choose to prioritize, and look for invisible doors.

Thinking big means thinking far out. Delayed gratification equals bigger better

The mile...

 Today's discussion at this moment is how old it the mile as it is known in the USA. 5280 ft is from Elizabeth the 1st  which was the Roman Mile of 5000 ft plus 280. The Roman Mile was called Mille passus which means 1000 paces.  This article has other cool tidbits. I often ask people about their persona. How does your person tell time, measure distant,  get bread.

https://www.britannica.com/science/mile

Wispers in the ether

 Ever morning I wake up at 4/6 am since pennsic.

Most mornings I can go back to sleep. It feels like there is someone waking me. It is not startling which in its self is strange. 

When Amber-Tori was a baby I would feel her wake up. She would reach out to check if I was there and when she knew I was she would just hang out in her crib and play. 

I am not use to this being woken at this time. Only Amber-Tori has ever done this to me till now. And it is not Amber-Tori. 

And this morning this person didnt let me go back to sleep. This morning it is me in California so it is 4 am. I would like the person to be more in my life and not just a whisper on the wind. I have missed them too. 

I don't get to call the shots this time. I both like that and hate that. 

My brain works differently then others. I make quick decisions. I have weighted options in my head before most people finish a sneeze. My 1st husband was never comfortable with that. I have been asked how I do that, example was buying a house. First house we looked at I shut down the idea of buying immediate. It was 5000 more then we said we would spend the lay out was bad for raising 2 kids in it and poor storage. It just was a nope... the next house I walked in and said yup this is it, it was better in all those areas. I don't know how on the big choices folks don't know what is critical. It is deciding what to eat or where to eat that get me hahaha. 

My soul make decisions sometimes. When I listen it goes better. Their soul know too but moves slower and very deliberate. Feeling all the things along the way. Theirs is better at closures then mine is. They have less baggage, more possessing.  Not sure that my whisperer will ever be more then a best friend, but come what may that is ok, I have missed them, and will be ok with that because, they call the shots. 

And they make my soul feel whole again.

The Magic Power of Words.

 The magic power of Words.

I remember reading a book by LeGuin many years ago that spoke of the power of a name. and that those who know your name can use it against you. This is not just the power of a name but also the power of the words. We all know the first thing that is to shut down is the freedom of the press and to assemble when overthrowing or controlling people, for this very reason.

Words have texture and a name is a word. I have been told that I am a very different person when I am Marilyn Helene Sands verse, Marilyn S Holt. And still, a very different person when I am Strawberry.

This is also why choosing to change ones last name for marriage is/and should be really a big deal.

All words are powerful. The language we use on ourselves is more powerful than any. A friend I have once told me that he had told his wife, “I won’t have anyone speaking like that about the women I love and if you weren’t that woman, I would have challenged you to a duel over the abusive words you used on the women I love.” (Paraphrased for clarity) He told me this while making me stop speaking bad about myself, (thanks T.J.) I am still working on trying to be nicer to myself, I know it is not easy. 

Sometimes words speak into existence The magic of healing or making light from dark, lifting of hate that has darkened your heart for so long that it has moved to your brain and soul. But every now and then words spoken such as "you must let the hate go", from someone whom you have confided the darkest pains of your soul to, brings about the magic you lost hope to ever feel. You except you didn’t cause it, you couldn’t have known, you didn’t deserve it, you are ok you are safe now. And like that, it all melts away the hate. The words, spoken by the right person, at the right time, made that magic.

You wake up. You don’t know if it was a dream. You are afraid it was. But even if it was you know for a moment it was true. With that, the darkness in your head is gone, and you feel the light you hear the music your heart calls out, and for a minute; no, a moment, the good magic appears as if to say it is real still. All because words were spoken.

The power of words is real. Use this power wisely. The damage when magic/ words are used carelessly, or with ill intent is hard to undo.

I know I speak plainly, seemingly from head to mouth rarely with a filter in place, I will try and do no harm. Let me know when my words are not correct so I can fix them. I call folks sunshine and sweetheart, bunches because names escape me everyone has so many of them. But You bring sunshine to my day by being in it and you sweeten my heart with your presence. Those words are real. Bill and Ted got it right "Be excellent to each other." And choose your words wisely. OR I will SPEAK AT you about it. And don’t bad mouth yourself, that is my friend you are talking bad about and I won’t stand for it. We are all just Multidimensional Beings ever growing and changing, (except when I am a Pirate) Mah ha ha ha ha. 

Working whyle I travel

 Today I am flying to San Francisco for 5 days. I brought Doldas documentation with me to do a gaming post on my gaming blog... It is good for me to have busy work during down times. I didn't bring my jewelry tools after the time I had a file confiscated. 😕 I don't want to have to think about my tools when I travel so I will work on believing in my ability to write.  I need to write up the rules for the sets I sell. And I am not comfortable selling sets with someone else's rules. Copyright infringement and all.

I have been making plans for the Games Business. I make, build, create a thing in my head before I move to action. It is not the same as action. It is a problem for folks who have a touch of perfectionism obsession. Don't get me wrong there are things that I can say,"meh, good enough" on. 

A Friend who I super respected (Master Guillome) has a zen about making me decide when messy is more period correct. Since I do gaming for the Sca which is different them my game and glass business. That the imperfections add a character that makes the items special. Even on my game boards that are for sale. I love working in his shop at Lillies in the still of the evening. It is a safe haven were only the project owns the night.

Any how ramble, ramble , ramble. Now rumble, rumble the plane is taking off. 

Didnt know

 I didn't know I was missing 

I didn't know I was missing you

I didn't know the years of pain could stop hurting me.

I didn't know how lonely I was for someone to see the world the way I do. 

I didnt know someone could see me

I didn't know I wanted to be seen

I didn't know

I didn't know

The Art made me not do it

 I meant to eat I always sing

in a minute while I make this thing

I meant clean that thing as soon as I got out of bed,

It will wait a few minutes because the idea in my head

I meant sweep the yard today,

the paint, the glass the art didn't give me my say

The garden pallet calls my heart

I know I shouldn't listen to the market I should dart. 

I really should eat and shop and clean.

It's not my fault the muses are mean...

Written at 3:33 pm when I realized that while I had cleaned and fed my patient I had also just my spare time to do art and forgot to eat.....allday.... again.

Aug 16 2022 trying something new

 I am going to do a brain dump. 

Here goes nothing...

I wake up alone every morning, and I go to sleep alone too. the hardest part of this is my head is full of thoughts Ideas and thoughts with no one to share them with, I dream so real I am never sure where I am when I wake up. 

My thoughts are not anything profound most of the time. this morning it was just how I find I have to keep pointing out that the idea that the whole population of Europe was illiterate doesn't scan. since we know in the Tudor period that Reading and writing were not the same subjects, and as we look further back we have times laws postered in town squares. 

and the truth is even when I had James to wake up to he was not really interested in these thoughts and Ideas so I was alone even when I wasn't alone. I don't write because English is almost a second language to me. I don't know why but it is. the sad part is I lack any first language when I tried to go to college in the 90s for an architecture degree they still required a foreign language I got a waiver to take sign language in place of it... but during the first semester in Oct when I was the Designated Driver our car was T-boned at an intersection by a street cleaner on its way to a job and accidentally ran a red light at full speed. we were in a Chevet. 

the irony is EDS more than likely saved my back then is not lost on me.  I was in pain till a chiropractor eventually moved my vertebrae into the places they belong again a year later un-pinching my sciatic nerve.  It was about 2 years later that I was a passenger in a car and the driver ran a red light in Newark and caused us to be hit by a semi garbage truck. It took ten years for me not to be afraid of street cleaners and semis lol. 

I'm going to return to writing 'As the World Burns. It helps me rest my mind. I hope to post on all of my blogs more. You will have to figure out who you are in my story because I give everyone names. My understanding is that It is a gift. this makes me happy. I also hope that this will help James. my Blog has him as a gallant bard and I think he needs that too. I can't fix people, I can't fix the past. but I can paint it with words in the gentlest silliest way possible. I just hope that is enough. 

I will start adding cooking stuff to my "cooking with Strawberry" Blog It helps me send recipes to my daughter. I feel like it is the only Legacy I have for my children. And I am so proud of how strong and smart and independent Amber is. And I am proud of my Bradbasaur he is killing adulting. so this Blog area will be just me rambling nothing special. If you want a giggle go read As the World Burns, It is the Melodramatic telling of my mundane life. It seems some people think it is not all that mundane and that even boring things are funnier when told in a silly form. 

I know that writing won't fill a void and I know that some of you might ask for a decoder ring to even be able to read my crap. (I use Grammarly I swear. lol) and It is so vain to think anyone at all has any interest in reading anything I write. I am writing for me, not for anyone else. I need this it helps me feel not so alone. now that I have boar, my soul, to the world please don't contact me asking if I am ok. I don't like to talk about it. this is the best I got,