Fuck it

 Fuck it

Maybon wishes. Death comes in 3's Merry meet and merry part, bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

 The Death card it a card of endings. And is many ways it is the perfect card for Mabon. 

As a gardener it is time to put change from summer gardening to fall and winter gardening or put the garden to sleep. 

This year my life has 3 deaths. 

My marriage if 27 years, my 12 year old dog, and my 58uear old brother in law. 

Bad things happen in 3's. 

In general death doesn't bother me. It is just a change. It has been a point of contention between me and family before.

When my grandmother died I was very busy during open house making sure the family all got to pick jewelry peices from her large collection. My cousin didn't get it. It was a thing that grandmother spoke to me about that mattered to her. And so it mattered to me. I am the person who sprinkled her and my Poppy's ashes because I knew where they would have been happy about it. 

When my mother died it was a relief to no longer see her so sad. The stroke robbed her of so much. Old or adult death is a passing to the next stage. Though it robs the living of the sharing of this time with those people.

Young death is harder. Much much harder. It breaks hearts, minds and spirits from us the living. They they get to move on to the next life but the hole left is permanent. Living with a hole in your living room is challenging. 

Pets I have had to let go a a few.... I know I have loved them well. If ever a life to come back as one of my pets is a good one. Whoe be those who I catch hurting a animal. I can spend a night in jail, it is not comfy but by goddess I will. 

My marriage ending is a different horse. Change is hard. I don't operate like other people. As such I will float fir a bit. Like floating in the warm late summer Atlantic bobbing as I go catch up with all my friends, helping them with their projects. This is the universes gift to them and to me. I don't get to always be free and this is my reward for years of service to the humans that my marriage and family gave me to care for. 

Fist as a military wife, then caring for my step son with his behavior challenges, then mu daughters health problems, and husband's emotional challenges, my mothers heartattack then stroke, the house fire and My husband's brothers disease. I take care of people it is my happy place. I will travel and do this as I visit people. Then I will go back to school to get the degree to settle down and get paid to take care of people. 

This is the end of one season of my life and the birth of another. I am happy not sad. I am relieved. I am hopeful as I smell the fall leaves decaying and hear them falling. I feel the nip in the air and long for a fire place and a blanket to snuggle in with warm cider and an eternal love to share it with. 

Like equinox I stand in to worlds today. Tomorrow I step in to the next one. 

Preparing my lists for burning on Samhain to send to the Great Spirit. Till then look hard and love harder at your world and know that with death is rebirth. 

Merry meet and merry part, bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

Blessed Mabon &

Blessed be ya'll!

Dancing on dew drops

 When you close your eyes do you ride leaves as they glide on the wind

Do you run on the top of grass blades

Let water pour over you from flowers in the first morning light

 Do you dance on the top of dew drops that glisten in the twilight caught between the magic of night and day

Do you hear the sparkle of the evaporating of the mists created as the sun claims the night magic, 

I know you see me, 

Come be with me, 

Lay with me and close your eyes and see with your being as the world sings it songs.

Be still and hold all and know. 

Together we are Beloved. I have missed you.

Welcome home. 

Conditions of love

 I always said 2 things

I trust everyone.... to always be who they are.

And that I can love people unconditionally but also not live with them unconditionally

Love doesn't just appear and disappear because of horrid behavior 

Also loving someone doesn't prclude you from moving on. love can change.

I unfortunately allowed all my rules to be over ran... because I always gave my self solace that he was a good father so even if he was a bad husband at least the children had their father.

I suppose that was my truly only unconditional  stop point. I would do anything for the kids. Including live is a hellish marriage that was mentally bad for me. But if not a good father then all bets are off. 

A friend tells me to have 3 or less requirements is healthy. 

They also tell me I did good to run away when I physical safety was a genuine issue. 

I never really found my self worth I suppose. I know the things I am good at. But I don't think I am all that ambitious. 

I am happy making home and working for money to enjoy life. I have no idea why I am that simple. I just want to be safe and loved and feel understood. Seems like all this should be a no-brainer. 

A friend to share that same geek outs with. 

I miss laying in bed before being interment chatting about stuff. Life the universe and everything. 

 I use to fall asleep mid sentence when I was first married and pick up when I woke right where I left off. My SO thought it was funny he never could remember where the conversation was that made me feel a disconnect. We never sorted that out either. 

I don't know if I have hopes of conditions any more. I just want to feel so safe that I don't need a list. 

I forgot I love him

I filed the paper work for divorce.

My friend said something last Thursday that struck hard. 

He said of court is hard neither of you wanted the marriage to end. 

And I paused. He reminded me that we loved one another or we would have been married let alone for 27 years. AND this is hard because we never planned for our marriage to end. He is right.

This triggered a lot of emotions. I remember listening to another friend speak about his now ex and how gracesful she is dancing with such love.  I envied him his happy memories.

With that so many stories come to mind and heart. 

From the winning a silly egg toss at the church pick nick then egging him. 

Him walking down the gang plank after being out to sea for a week or a month. 

 Me driving up to the ship in labor and waddling up it and the poor guy on watch freeking out that a women in labor is on his watch on the ship. Lol

Us playing Maldivian in the Larp using raidios with head sets to do malk time. Or infiltrating the Trimmier and bruja.. 

Playing Magic the gathering at Sammy s they hated my rainbow deck.

Playing Warhammer together. Painting figures and making terrain. 

Walking Ambler PA for Rita's water ice with the children.

 Working together at Dairy queen were I was the Manger, when he has off from the Navy, because my mom picked up the kids and we could do anything so why not work together. we were amazing in a kitchen together. 

Dancing at demos in the nursing home with our matching garb flirting and seeing the residents smiling and pointing to us because we were adorable together.

 He would turn on the electric blanket so I could get into a warm bed. (He might had done this to save himself from my cold feet lol 😆)

But he still smiled at seeing the pure happy content look I get from being warm. 

He still remembers my I want rocky road ice cream look from when I was pregnant. Seems I made it the other day after surgery when I wanted pasta with tuna.  He didn't fall for it when I was pregnant or now though. 

I cried last night for the loss of my marriage. I love him still. To much has happened to fix. Forgiving,yes, but the damage is unrepairable. 

But I do still love him. And that is both ok and it hurts. 

Sorry.

 I am going to wallow for a minute ok. 

I love fall so much. But this year looking at Halloween stuff in stores all I can think is I don't know if I will have room for it. I also don't know if I should bear root my peppers and bring them in. Will my patchouli plant over winter inside just to be moved to a place I don't have a yard or pots next year. Finding an apartment thay will let my use oxi/propane touch and my kiln is not going to be easy. I have no one to talk to about these things. I refuse to bring down people who are happily married. I half don't want to talk about them. I am working on trying to remember the good times. I am working hard on being happy. But a friend hit a nerve when he pointed out that I never wanted to end a marriage. He is right. I am neither a quitter nor an abandoner, I built my life around being portable for my spouse. We were supposed to be a team. Yet here I am trying on using maiden name. I am planning to get the physical therapy assistant degree because atleast it pays well enough and I can move anywhere. I can work doing home health or in a clinic or a hospital. I am good with Geriatric and teen patients so why not. If I can find a cheep enough place I can just save tons of money and camp and sca and travel on weekends. And with that kind of job I will have medical benefits. It will take 3 Yeats from now to get there. I also want to pay cash for my schooling. I ain't got time for taking on debt. 

But I goes back to what do I do today. I have Dr's to call creating a new email account using my maiden name, setting up my own pay pal because for all these years I shared one with my Ex, ordering legal paper work, and so on pluse sorting and cleaning stuff to get rid of. And it is just a very lost place to be. 

Things to do

 So much to do today, tomorrow 

Many phone calls, documents ordered.

Sort though stuff, what to keep, what to move. What to store

Meds fixed with drs for him, food made too

Bug out bag sorted with important papers and clothes no more surprises no more being scared

Hiding in plain site

You human don't know me at all

This persona I share is what you see

You think  you hear me, my words say nothing of who I am

You can't see me as I hide in plain site

I share nothing that is really me 

I don't have time for you to know

I dont have trust for you all

I stay safe as you think I share so much

But you don't know who I am

My loves, my beliefs, my code, my pains, you know nothing of what is behind the lock and key

 Few ever see me, let alone know me. 

If I let you in please know you are charmed.

Be gentle with my soul, it hurts if my trust is betrayed and harmed.

If you are my chosen one I will be promised only to you till the end of time

Defender, lover, friend, partner all the things I will be yours and you will be mine.

For only you 

For no one else knows me....

Planning today for tomorrow

 Just thinking outloud. Got home & took back my patient. I &and only me have to make decisions happen. 1st call case worker and Dr. Discuss how will hospice or extended care effect current P.A. services. And about getting these started or is going straight to nursing care facility a better idea. With aleast hospice  James Holt can ask for reprise for a weekend (he takes care of Richard Holt on the weekends) we need over night care for him either way. And help because my surgery the 12th leaves me with orders not to lift over certain weight and a 180 lb human is over that weight. He is crumbling multiple days a week as well as middle of the night.

I also am going to the funeral home while he is alive and the power of attorney is in effect to get paper work all in order because the first thing a coroner asks is what funeral home is handling the person. Further cremation paper work must be in order or his daughter will be forced to do it & that is not a thing she wants to do and my duty is to protect my niece. In the state of IL only a licensed funeral home can transport a body. We could have the military bury him however his mom has a box in a columbarium in St John's Episcopalian church where his father ashes are and hers will be oneday too. 

I am with James help further rearranging his room his lift chair will now be between the bathroom and the bed. With about 1ft to 2ft between them. I jave block my niece and grandmother in law from this post. 

I also called his daughter my niece and had this talk with her. Then I had this conversation with him and Dorcas. Then I cleaned up the shit and poss on him and the floor told him if tommorow he was still in this much pain he will be going to the hospital and that he lost his right to say no to that. I only ever do by him right and respect his choices till they are unsafe. He has been fed and transfered to his recliner. Now I am going to eat my blue berries and read my comics and fill out an event bid for the sca. Also plan glass beads. 👓

 An joyed hanging with Sof and G. Was Brea's safe adult that played with her. Loved getting to Play chess and getting to fully beining able to immerse my self in the game too till half way though the second game to reach that space in my brain. It is like when I play with glass or art. I am still not very good, however with regularly playing I might be able to get in that zone easier. It was so peaceful sit and play.  

I got to watch to friends elevated to exceltcys Rowana and Rose'

And Joshua blew away a fencing challenge 

And Philippe join a company of Saint Jude.

I feel good about my day. 

Trying to figure it out

 Good new is I am out every weekend working or at an event

Badd news is I need to be near or in house weekdays to take care of my charge.

Working on finding a nursing care facility for my charge

Working on getting paper work for the divorce.

Have 2 safe hiding places to run to if things turn super bad again. 

More if I really need it I suppose.

I think things are stable for him for the time being. 

Letting him and everyone stay in the house rather then selling it right now.

I am moving out. 

I would rather not be there.

Just the plan I had to get my physical therapy schooling is screwed by this possibly.

Why do I bother making plans

into the void

 I'm done yelling into the void,

The world is brighter today, 

I'm done yelling into the void, 

we shall both go our separate ways, 

I'm done yelling into the void, 

I didn't know it would hurt so bad

I'm done yelling into the void,

I guess now I know why I'm so sad

I'm done yelling into the void,

I didn't know letting go of the hate could ne a thing

I'm done yelling into the void,

It left a space for all the pain to really sting.

I'm done yelling into the void,

Walls shall now return to normal

I'm done yelling into the void,

I will return to being more formal