Sorry.

 I am going to wallow for a minute ok. 

I love fall so much. But this year looking at Halloween stuff in stores all I can think is I don't know if I will have room for it. I also don't know if I should bear root my peppers and bring them in. Will my patchouli plant over winter inside just to be moved to a place I don't have a yard or pots next year. Finding an apartment thay will let my use oxi/propane touch and my kiln is not going to be easy. I have no one to talk to about these things. I refuse to bring down people who are happily married. I half don't want to talk about them. I am working on trying to remember the good times. I am working hard on being happy. But a friend hit a nerve when he pointed out that I never wanted to end a marriage. He is right. I am neither a quitter nor an abandoner, I built my life around being portable for my spouse. We were supposed to be a team. Yet here I am trying on using maiden name. I am planning to get the physical therapy assistant degree because atleast it pays well enough and I can move anywhere. I can work doing home health or in a clinic or a hospital. I am good with Geriatric and teen patients so why not. If I can find a cheep enough place I can just save tons of money and camp and sca and travel on weekends. And with that kind of job I will have medical benefits. It will take 3 Yeats from now to get there. I also want to pay cash for my schooling. I ain't got time for taking on debt. 

But I goes back to what do I do today. I have Dr's to call creating a new email account using my maiden name, setting up my own pay pal because for all these years I shared one with my Ex, ordering legal paper work, and so on pluse sorting and cleaning stuff to get rid of. And it is just a very lost place to be.