I forgot I love him

I filed the paper work for divorce.

My friend said something last Thursday that struck hard. 

He said of court is hard neither of you wanted the marriage to end. 

And I paused. He reminded me that we loved one another or we would have been married let alone for 27 years. AND this is hard because we never planned for our marriage to end. He is right.

This triggered a lot of emotions. I remember listening to another friend speak about his now ex and how gracesful she is dancing with such love.  I envied him his happy memories.

With that so many stories come to mind and heart. 

From the winning a silly egg toss at the church pick nick then egging him. 

Him walking down the gang plank after being out to sea for a week or a month. 

 Me driving up to the ship in labor and waddling up it and the poor guy on watch freeking out that a women in labor is on his watch on the ship. Lol

Us playing Maldivian in the Larp using raidios with head sets to do malk time. Or infiltrating the Trimmier and bruja.. 

Playing Magic the gathering at Sammy s they hated my rainbow deck.

Playing Warhammer together. Painting figures and making terrain. 

Walking Ambler PA for Rita's water ice with the children.

 Working together at Dairy queen were I was the Manger, when he has off from the Navy, because my mom picked up the kids and we could do anything so why not work together. we were amazing in a kitchen together. 

Dancing at demos in the nursing home with our matching garb flirting and seeing the residents smiling and pointing to us because we were adorable together.

 He would turn on the electric blanket so I could get into a warm bed. (He might had done this to save himself from my cold feet lol 😆)

But he still smiled at seeing the pure happy content look I get from being warm. 

He still remembers my I want rocky road ice cream look from when I was pregnant. Seems I made it the other day after surgery when I wanted pasta with tuna.  He didn't fall for it when I was pregnant or now though. 

I cried last night for the loss of my marriage. I love him still. To much has happened to fix. Forgiving,yes, but the damage is unrepairable. 

But I do still love him. And that is both ok and it hurts.