I will not be held hostage any more.
I will not be held to protecting you from threats of self harm
I will not be held a responsible to your family
I am done
Pull a knife, I don't feel safe
A threat on your self, but how soon will it turn on me.
I am done sell the house I don't care I am out. I can live in my truck
I am safer there.
I will not be held hostage any more.
How does one yell uncle when. You run for a knife.
How does one claim innocent when you confront the devil
Run.... I know leave everything.....
It is time to fly....
Is the knife for you? Is the knife for me?
I don't know.
But I know I can't be held anymore.
I run and hide. In my safe spot.
Try and get me bitch..she is stronger then you.
I wish I didn't need protection. Why am I so weak.
Sigh. Thx my Wizzard of Ami's
Sept 23rd what a time of year fall is coming.... The promise of Samhain just around the corner.
Fall fires, hot apple ciders, apple cake doughnuts, I am optimistic for the first time in such a long time. It is like waking from a nightmare and finally shaking the feelings that the nightmare holds over you for hours later.
I am making 3 plans. I belive in back up plans for my back up plans.
I am still cleaning and purging because I still own way more things then I need. I don't plan to runaway in the night or feel the urge to do so.
I don't need a bugging out bag in my car, I do need an overnight bag so I can be any where life takes me. Maybe a tent too. I think I am planning to camp up state for the weekend before Samhain.
My spirit has been set free. Even if all my weekends are booked. 😆
Driven to distraction
Someone on my brain
Forced to make things
To keep all thoughts away
Finally the fog clears
And I can meditate
No longer held hostage
By thoughts of him
Self-control of feelings
Abilities of controle my thoughts
Feeling are still there
But I can turn them off
What magic had you cast my friend
To make me lose control
You needed have bothered beloved
For I loved you all along.
Easier to seek forgiveness them permission has been used against me for 2 long.
My children are better behaved then him.
He used my children against me
to my parental credit I always gave to my children.
You try and trap me by making it so our debt doesn't go away.
You remember little so you say but you remember when I said 20 years ago that I want to be free of debt if I leave you.
You think of that now that you are watching me pay off all the debt that you can't stop that.
You used that money calculating that I would cave and make up the missing money to get our son a computer.
He is worth it for sure. But no. You were the one with the idea to get it. You said you would put your windfall of money toward it if I could match it with gift savings money. Well I stand by that
I will.match your funds. That is 0$'s
Nope not my fault you did this not me. I have things to pay off.
It is just the first time I have stood up to you really. It is not the last
There are no arguments on the subject.
My silentance speaks volumes.
Lies, gas lighting and false apologies
Pretend guilt, manipulation and out right dilutions
These are a few of your favorit things.
"But your the strong one" "but I miss you and depressed when your gone"
Then I will act like it is someone else laying on guilt and attacks about you traveling
while being the one saying how bad I make you feel for not saving any money at all.
Words that play on my empathy,
If thay doesn't work there are compliments of your looks
and to make everything so bad.....
False words of generosity to the children, purposefully planing to sabotage the debt pay off schedule.
You do everything you can to control me and keep me here. To make everything so bad.
"But your the strong one" "but I miss you and depressed when your gone"
I simply remember how our whole life was your lies and then as I leave I don't feel so bad.
Dancing with the firefly
Running though the trees
Holding on to moon beam
Why won't it let me be
Hearing the grass call to me
The stars all singing harmony to the water song of soul
How is the ethical realm so real to me when others don't know its tome.
Come run away to play amung the faye this eve
We will dance and sing and be as one just for one night I miss you
The songs can carry our hearts away just long enough to heal and sway
We will slip away but never stay, refresh us for the days
Yes Monday will come and it is back to work that's fine for day to day
But weekends force shall not be denied,
The eternal realm force shall not be quelled by week day demands of 9 to 5
I see you Peek out of your cave from where your work wants own you.
I see your soul and hear your call please help me, help you, fine me once more
You're so refined and above my station yet that matters not out here
Our souls do know, each others hearts and I've missed your soul so long now
Must dream the dance and laugh and play I call you though the night and into the day.
Though we pretend we're strangers in this land. the ethral realm does know us.
I can pretend from day to day the me of earth and land and sand
But come this Friday off I go to ethral worlds come find me.
Friend or more I am not sure, I take what is given, I won't fight for more
The etheral world will have to do, for all these life times, I have known you
I' ve missed you my beloved in heart and play
But friend or more I am ok please come back to the ethral realm with me because I sure do miss you.
Things I don' discuss.
Some people suffer from sensory perception over load. This is not my problem.
I turned it all off for so long. I didnt want to feel, till Pennsic. While at Pennsic I really had some great healing I would say 2 people really helped me more then any other and with it my sensory perception came back on fully and I seem to have forgot how to shield incoming.
I have almost sensory perception over drive. I lean in to the goodness of sensory experience. Which is why I should be shielding. It is weird. it is why I scratch people's backs as a hello because I know how good that can feel when done gently. Just finger tips and smooth curved nail tips. And so I try to greet people in this pleasant way too. It is an endearment if you will. It also is an indication I will except a hug when I greet a person that way.
I love the sun or a light breeze on bare skin. Warm water pouring out from a shower over head, back and chest. The texture of different sand types from the different beaches. The sound of sand under foot on the damp part of the beach the feel of the sounds of water from a lake river stream or ocean.
The feelings of almost hugging a warm cup in the morning the cup that fits your hands perfectly.
Sensual massage. Giving a scalp massage. Rubing the short crew cut area of a person's scalp. A light touch of fingers gliding over skin.
Caressing velvet or velveteen. A cool sheet on a bear my body.
The warm sun one my face. A kiss on the nap of my neck. A loving hug embrace from a love from behind to lean into and snuggle in a public PG kind of way.
As such I not a casual sex person.
I don't know how other people FEEL. As in experiance both physical and emotional feelings. I know that I experience a feelings in my chest of intense expanding energy from my emotions. I had it all locked safely up set to live the rest of my life out in a prison of my own making for my protection. Even after coming out about being single. Yet here I am with all this going on. I see people and I get over whelmed by what their body language says to me. It is like reverse autism. The Dearst Misteress Una put me in charge at Kingdom A&S of making sure the entrants were ok because she saw this and understood its strength. Which made me feel valued for a thing I feel almost cripples me.
I am the monogamous type also. I discover this when in 1995 I announced my coming marriage after 10 month of knowing James. A previous partner proposed upon hearing this but said he wanted and open arrangement and already knew the answer was no but said he would rather a no then not to have asked. It was tempting he was attentive but I am am selfish and like to possess and be be possessed belonging to someone who holds you dear in a way no other does or can. I have the propensity in me not to be jealous per say, and yet.... just a tinge. Not destructively so. It is a special feeling to feel someone is checking you out when they are your lover it brings an energy with it. It has a sensation, a physical feeling. You know you can see a coi expression on your imzadies face when they feel you looking. And the cross between pride and jealousy when someone checks out you lover. The "yeah that is mine so you better move along" while knowing with certainty you have nothing to worry about because you can fully trust you partner.
I want the laying with my One while holding their hand playing with their hand the mindless touching. the feel while just chatting about the universe or the days events. Your know Their voice feels right. The vibrations of their voice makes your soul happy.
I don't know if I will ever get any of that again. Being not all alone in the universe. I alteast I have to sun and the breeze and the feeling cool sheets one my body. I think I will camp in the woods for the weekend before Samhain. I love the smell and sound of autumn in the woods.
For more of my alive life then not, I have been Mrs. Holt, Amber & Brad's mom. I FIND I am not sure what to do with myself. In the sca I just teach or help do things, it gives me a place to be and it makes me happy. I am good at asking others about them selves. I always predicted marriage would end with widow hood. I take words seriously and promises more so.
I have moved on about the hurt and pain of the thing but I find I feel very disconnected. I don't know how to process that. I built my life around finding work where ever we were stationed, then were we moved when husband separated from the military found a job there, then being a stay at home mom because as I warned him he would get activated.after 9/11 And so on. I tried to be the good wife and mom.
Puzzles and games keep my mind engaged and are a instant subject, I loved collecting knowledge of the subject. I can't do suduko with numbers but can with glyphs so my brain is just not right.
I couldn't get into the physical therapy assistant program this fall because it was full. I can next year. That is a long time away.
Mean while I am just taking care of Richard, working out, playing with Glass, and trying to figure out how to get words into print and proof read. I have started running a read it aloud app that reads the words I write, so I can hear them, then I can catch the auto corrects changing of words because I dont see the difference between some them.
I am still processing what my older sister told me about my dyslexia and think that it is a bit correct but that with the Ehlors Danlos also plays apart in it. 21 different schools only one year of Highschool ( sophomor) before dropping out getting my GED and starting College then getting into a car accident that made me quit and not getting back till I was 40. Then I worked hard to get my Associates in Science.
But I don't know that I want to be a Physical therapy Assistant. I have no idea what I want be when I grow up. I would like to be comfortable around people again though. I keep feeling very below the curve every time Education comes up in a conversation.
Sorry at age 14 I ran away and lived on the streets of Brooklyn. My 16th year I graduated 8th grade did freshman year over the summer then got hit with a hot frying pan my my step dad and got Fostered by Luigi Kapaj parents. I have some good memories from childhood too
It is just complicated, and every time I ever hoped or dreamed it always fell apart.
I was excepted to FIT in NYC while in summer school for freshman year I was supposed to half day my school days with the technical colleges but that fell apart with the frying pan thing.
I don't want to be a stage Hypnotist. Like my brother.
I can't carry a tune, like my sister
my art is ok, but not good enough to make a living off of.
I relize I could just be a P.A. like I am for Richard full time for others I mean it pay 17$ an hr. And in IL I can live on that. But I really don't want to.
I am just kind of lost. Next year I hope to work back up on the get business buck fully running 2020 put cramp in it.
I just don't trust the universe the way I use to. When the Universe is cruel to you for as long as it has been to me you learn not to trust in. I don't even have reading done on myself because I don't trust the universe. And they are patterns not predictions. I will pull my self off the potty pot tomorrow I know I can't stay on it other people who's lives are worse off need it.
Just let me catch breath. I think I will plan a camping trip out to starved Rock state park for the last weekend of Oct and do Samhain then. It will give me something to plan for unless someone has a better camping idea for me. I haven't gone there before.
Happiness is now~ Rumi
Slip streaming is changing how life is lived and perceived. It is living and moving in time space in a non linear way. Time does not fly when we’re having fun, it slows.
Living a meaningful life is about perception.
While keeping our perceived reality moving forward toward our intended destination, it is important to remember that we multiply what we concentrate on.
Slip streaming is the science fiction way of moving faster then the speed of light.
Slip streaming is also Drafting such as with bicycling or a traveling in a boat wake.. causing the objects moving behind it in the same path to move with less effort and less energy though the space and time due to less resistance and the drag pulling the object behind it.
Slip streaming requires the hyper focusing or forgoing of other things. Concentrating on the few and not the many
Time jumping
Using slip streaming causes time jumping almost like the folding of space time it sometimes seems as is opportunities just open up or appear or people who just seemed lucky, or folks who perceive risk faster and or are less risk adverse.
Combining atomic habits with time jumping.
Combined Habit stacking for productivity with time hacking
Decide what doesn’t serve yourself any more and stop putting energy there. Hold ideas as if objects and ask yourself is this still serving me in a positive way, if it is not then let it go just like a physical object.
Time
We own nothing but time. Everything else is owned buy the earth we only store it.
All things that cost money really cost time. A mortgage costs the time worked to pay for that object. Time is the cost. This doesn’t make it not worth it. But it needs to be considered
Quantum change
Perception of elapsed time, living in the moment, is not failing to plan for the future, it is remembering you can do both at the same time.
Change should be for positive reason.
Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better.
Being in a car being driven very fast on a curvy Cliff side road I realized the driver was fully present with the car, road and speed in a zen like way. Not like driving through a city, in which perceiving the surrounding, the road the speed and the traffic is not fluid and there for is terrifying.
Time hacking causes the slowing down of time perception as you get in the zone.
Understanding that you can only hyper focus one slip stream at a time is very important
Understanding that you can slip stream because of others by drafting.
Some identify this perception as luck, and sometimes even privilege. It is perception combined with a willingness to take a calculated chance. That fearing change is what holds back this. Some call it intuition some call it blind luck. Surrounding yourself with the right opportunities also helps in slip streaming.
Pruning unconstructive things and people is critical
One degree off course over time will take a person decades off course if course corrections are not checked and made.
Never allow fear of success to stand in your way of taking a leap.
Whatever the goal, being committed is a requirement of success for slip streaming to work.
Being committed 100% makes every choice easier. Only 100% commitment will bring about the desired result.
Remove negative influences that will prevent you from being pulled down by those who are ok with the status quo.
Everything is possible , but not all at the same time. Choose to prioritize, and look for invisible doors.
Thinking big means thinking far out. Delayed gratification equals bigger better
Today's discussion at this moment is how old it the mile as it is known in the USA. 5280 ft is from Elizabeth the 1st which was the Roman Mile of 5000 ft plus 280. The Roman Mile was called Mille passus which means 1000 paces. This article has other cool tidbits. I often ask people about their persona. How does your person tell time, measure distant, get bread.
https://www.britannica.com/science/mile
Ever morning I wake up at 4/6 am since pennsic.
Most mornings I can go back to sleep. It feels like there is someone waking me. It is not startling which in its self is strange.
When Amber-Tori was a baby I would feel her wake up. She would reach out to check if I was there and when she knew I was she would just hang out in her crib and play.
I am not use to this being woken at this time. Only Amber-Tori has ever done this to me till now. And it is not Amber-Tori.
And this morning this person didnt let me go back to sleep. This morning it is me in California so it is 4 am. I would like the person to be more in my life and not just a whisper on the wind. I have missed them too.
I don't get to call the shots this time. I both like that and hate that.
My brain works differently then others. I make quick decisions. I have weighted options in my head before most people finish a sneeze. My 1st husband was never comfortable with that. I have been asked how I do that, example was buying a house. First house we looked at I shut down the idea of buying immediate. It was 5000 more then we said we would spend the lay out was bad for raising 2 kids in it and poor storage. It just was a nope... the next house I walked in and said yup this is it, it was better in all those areas. I don't know how on the big choices folks don't know what is critical. It is deciding what to eat or where to eat that get me hahaha.
My soul make decisions sometimes. When I listen it goes better. Their soul know too but moves slower and very deliberate. Feeling all the things along the way. Theirs is better at closures then mine is. They have less baggage, more possessing. Not sure that my whisperer will ever be more then a best friend, but come what may that is ok, I have missed them, and will be ok with that because, they call the shots.
And they make my soul feel whole again.
The magic power of Words.
I remember reading a book by LeGuin many years ago that spoke
of the power of a name. and that those who know your name can use it against
you. This is not just the power of a name but also the power of the words. We
all know the first thing that is to shut down is the freedom of the press and to
assemble when overthrowing or controlling people, for this very reason.
Words have texture and a name is a word. I have been told
that I am a very different person when I am Marilyn Helene Sands verse, Marilyn S Holt. And still, a very different person when I am Strawberry.
This is also why choosing to change ones last name for marriage
is/and should be really a big deal.
All words are powerful. The language we use on ourselves is more powerful than any. A friend I have once told me that he had told his
wife, “I won’t have anyone speaking like that about the women I love and if you
weren’t that woman, I would have challenged you to a duel over the abusive words
you used on the women I love.” (Paraphrased for clarity) He told me this while
making me stop speaking bad about myself, (thanks T.J.) I am still working on trying to be nicer to myself, I know it is not easy.
Sometimes words speak into existence The magic of healing or
making light from dark, lifting of hate that has darkened your heart for so long
that it has moved to your brain and soul. But every now and then words spoken
such as "you must let the hate go", from someone whom you have confided the darkest
pains of your soul to, brings about the magic you lost hope to ever feel. You except you
didn’t cause it, you couldn’t have known, you didn’t deserve it, you are ok you
are safe now. And like that, it all melts away the hate. The words, spoken by the right person, at the right time, made that magic.
You wake up. You don’t know if it was a dream. You are
afraid it was. But even if it was you know for a moment it was true. With that, the
darkness in your head is gone, and you feel the light you hear the music your heart
calls out, and for a minute; no, a moment, the good magic appears as if to say
it is real still. All because words were spoken.
The power of words is real. Use this power wisely. The
damage when magic/ words are used carelessly, or with ill intent is hard to undo.
I know I speak plainly, seemingly from head to mouth rarely with a
filter in place, I will try and do no harm. Let me know when my words are not
correct so I can fix them. I call folks sunshine and sweetheart, bunches because
names escape me everyone has so many of them. But You bring sunshine to my day
by being in it and you sweeten my heart with your presence. Those words are
real. Bill and Ted got it right "Be excellent to each other." And choose your
words wisely. OR I will SPEAK AT you about it. And don’t bad mouth yourself,
that is my friend you are talking bad about and I won’t stand for it. We are all
just Multidimensional Beings ever growing and changing, (except when I am a
Pirate) Mah ha ha ha ha.
Today I am flying to San Francisco for 5 days. I brought Doldas documentation with me to do a gaming post on my gaming blog... It is good for me to have busy work during down times. I didn't bring my jewelry tools after the time I had a file confiscated. 😕 I don't want to have to think about my tools when I travel so I will work on believing in my ability to write. I need to write up the rules for the sets I sell. And I am not comfortable selling sets with someone else's rules. Copyright infringement and all.
I have been making plans for the Games Business. I make, build, create a thing in my head before I move to action. It is not the same as action. It is a problem for folks who have a touch of perfectionism obsession. Don't get me wrong there are things that I can say,"meh, good enough" on.
A Friend who I super respected (Master Guillome) has a zen about making me decide when messy is more period correct. Since I do gaming for the Sca which is different them my game and glass business. That the imperfections add a character that makes the items special. Even on my game boards that are for sale. I love working in his shop at Lillies in the still of the evening. It is a safe haven were only the project owns the night.
Any how ramble, ramble , ramble. Now rumble, rumble the plane is taking off.
I didn't know I was missing
I didn't know I was missing you
I didn't know the years of pain could stop hurting me.
I didn't know how lonely I was for someone to see the world the way I do.
I didnt know someone could see me
I didn't know I wanted to be seen
I didn't know
I didn't know
I meant to eat I always sing
in a minute while I make this thing
I meant clean that thing as soon as I got out of bed,
It will wait a few minutes because the idea in my head
I meant sweep the yard today,
the paint, the glass the art didn't give me my say
The garden pallet calls my heart
I know I shouldn't listen to the market I should dart.
I really should eat and shop and clean.
It's not my fault the muses are mean...
Written at 3:33 pm when I realized that while I had cleaned and fed my patient I had also just my spare time to do art and forgot to eat.....allday.... again.
I am going to do a brain dump.
Here goes nothing...
I wake up alone every morning, and I go to sleep alone too. the hardest part of this is my head is full of thoughts Ideas and thoughts with no one to share them with, I dream so real I am never sure where I am when I wake up.
My thoughts are not anything profound most of the time. this morning it was just how I find I have to keep pointing out that the idea that the whole population of Europe was illiterate doesn't scan. since we know in the Tudor period that Reading and writing were not the same subjects, and as we look further back we have times laws postered in town squares.
and the truth is even when I had James to wake up to he was not really interested in these thoughts and Ideas so I was alone even when I wasn't alone. I don't write because English is almost a second language to me. I don't know why but it is. the sad part is I lack any first language when I tried to go to college in the 90s for an architecture degree they still required a foreign language I got a waiver to take sign language in place of it... but during the first semester in Oct when I was the Designated Driver our car was T-boned at an intersection by a street cleaner on its way to a job and accidentally ran a red light at full speed. we were in a Chevet.
the irony is EDS more than likely saved my back then is not lost on me. I was in pain till a chiropractor eventually moved my vertebrae into the places they belong again a year later un-pinching my sciatic nerve. It was about 2 years later that I was a passenger in a car and the driver ran a red light in Newark and caused us to be hit by a semi garbage truck. It took ten years for me not to be afraid of street cleaners and semis lol.
I'm going to return to writing 'As the World Burns. It helps me rest my mind. I hope to post on all of my blogs more. You will have to figure out who you are in my story because I give everyone names. My understanding is that It is a gift. this makes me happy. I also hope that this will help James. my Blog has him as a gallant bard and I think he needs that too. I can't fix people, I can't fix the past. but I can paint it with words in the gentlest silliest way possible. I just hope that is enough.
I will start adding cooking stuff to my "cooking with Strawberry" Blog It helps me send recipes to my daughter. I feel like it is the only Legacy I have for my children. And I am so proud of how strong and smart and independent Amber is. And I am proud of my Bradbasaur he is killing adulting. so this Blog area will be just me rambling nothing special. If you want a giggle go read As the World Burns, It is the Melodramatic telling of my mundane life. It seems some people think it is not all that mundane and that even boring things are funnier when told in a silly form.
I know that writing won't fill a void and I know that some of you might ask for a decoder ring to even be able to read my crap. (I use Grammarly I swear. lol) and It is so vain to think anyone at all has any interest in reading anything I write. I am writing for me, not for anyone else. I need this it helps me feel not so alone. now that I have boar, my soul, to the world please don't contact me asking if I am ok. I don't like to talk about it. this is the best I got,
