For more of my alive life then not, I have been Mrs. Holt, Amber & Brad's mom. I FIND I am not sure what to do with myself. In the sca I just teach or help do things, it gives me a place to be and it makes me happy. I am good at asking others about them selves. I always predicted marriage would end with widow hood. I take words seriously and promises more so.
I have moved on about the hurt and pain of the thing but I find I feel very disconnected. I don't know how to process that. I built my life around finding work where ever we were stationed, then were we moved when husband separated from the military found a job there, then being a stay at home mom because as I warned him he would get activated.after 9/11 And so on. I tried to be the good wife and mom.
Puzzles and games keep my mind engaged and are a instant subject, I loved collecting knowledge of the subject. I can't do suduko with numbers but can with glyphs so my brain is just not right.
I couldn't get into the physical therapy assistant program this fall because it was full. I can next year. That is a long time away.
Mean while I am just taking care of Richard, working out, playing with Glass, and trying to figure out how to get words into print and proof read. I have started running a read it aloud app that reads the words I write, so I can hear them, then I can catch the auto corrects changing of words because I dont see the difference between some them.
I am still processing what my older sister told me about my dyslexia and think that it is a bit correct but that with the Ehlors Danlos also plays apart in it. 21 different schools only one year of Highschool ( sophomor) before dropping out getting my GED and starting College then getting into a car accident that made me quit and not getting back till I was 40. Then I worked hard to get my Associates in Science.
But I don't know that I want to be a Physical therapy Assistant. I have no idea what I want be when I grow up. I would like to be comfortable around people again though. I keep feeling very below the curve every time Education comes up in a conversation.
Sorry at age 14 I ran away and lived on the streets of Brooklyn. My 16th year I graduated 8th grade did freshman year over the summer then got hit with a hot frying pan my my step dad and got Fostered by Luigi Kapaj parents. I have some good memories from childhood too
It is just complicated, and every time I ever hoped or dreamed it always fell apart.
I was excepted to FIT in NYC while in summer school for freshman year I was supposed to half day my school days with the technical colleges but that fell apart with the frying pan thing.
I don't want to be a stage Hypnotist. Like my brother.
I can't carry a tune, like my sister
my art is ok, but not good enough to make a living off of.
I relize I could just be a P.A. like I am for Richard full time for others I mean it pay 17$ an hr. And in IL I can live on that. But I really don't want to.
I am just kind of lost. Next year I hope to work back up on the get business buck fully running 2020 put cramp in it.
I just don't trust the universe the way I use to. When the Universe is cruel to you for as long as it has been to me you learn not to trust in. I don't even have reading done on myself because I don't trust the universe. And they are patterns not predictions. I will pull my self off the potty pot tomorrow I know I can't stay on it other people who's lives are worse off need it.
Just let me catch breath. I think I will plan a camping trip out to starved Rock state park for the last weekend of Oct and do Samhain then. It will give me something to plan for unless someone has a better camping idea for me. I haven't gone there before.
No comments:
Post a Comment